A Ruined Transcript
by morpheus kannon
Summary: Chapter 14: In Lothlorien uploaded
1. Prologue

Standard Disclaimer: This is all the work of Peter Jackson, the cast and crew of FOTR, and whoever in all that mess of credits wrote the script. If you really thought that this was ours, you have more of a problem than we do and, frankly, we would like to hear from you because _that _is some feat!! NO infringement is meant, and-what was that about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery? ;-)

All right, now...this is a collaboration between one morpheus kannon and one dolphin (and no, neither are meant to be capitalised!). dolphin actually did most of the work-_big _surprise there-but morpheus gets to post it because dolphin has plenty of work posted already, and it is my turn! YAY!!! 

The Lord Of The Rings: A Ruined Transcript

Galadriel: The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. When I sniff around for my coffee in the morning, I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for everybody that would remember it has croaked. It began with the forging of the Rings of Power. Three were given to the Elves: immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. 

Pippin, from behind the scenes waiting for Lady Looselips to finish talking: *snorts* Not very biased, is she? 

Galadriel: *out of the side of her mouth* Hush while I'm talking! *takes a deep breath and continues* Seven were given to the Dwarves, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. 

Legolas, equally behind the scenes: Aw, now you're just sucking up.

Galadriel: *spins around to face the waiting cast members* SHUT UP!! I am TRYING to say my lines, so unless you want ME to interrupt YOU when you're trying to say YOURS, you had better BE QUIET! Rrrr! *huffs, composes herself, and goes on* And nine-nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the power and the will to rule each race. 

Merry: *sarcastically* Yeah, that would be why they're called Rings of Power!

Aragorn: Really, how many MORE times can you fit the word _power_ into your little speech! Do you just like the sound of it? Oh, I know! That's why you keep Celeborn drugged, because you like to be powerful!!

Galadriel: *innocently* I do no such thing.

Pippin: Oh, sure, he's not drugged! *points to Celeborn, who is currently drifting around drooling over how gorgeous various pebbles and bits of cotton fluff are*

Galadriel: Okay, so he is drugged. But I knew nothing of it! *tries to finish lines again* But they were all of them deceived. Deep in the land of Mordor, the Dark Lord Sauron forged another ring, a Master Ring, and into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life! _One Ring to rule them all_. One by one, the free peoples of Middle-earth fell to the power-

Aragorn: *annoyed at further use of an already overused word* URRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!

Galadriel: *winces but goes on* Of the Ring-but there were some who resisted. A Last Alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, *starts waving her arms around dramatically, getting into the spirit of her speech* they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth!

Various Castmembers, still behind the scenes: *snickering behind their hands and pointing* Ahahaha! She's going to take off!

Galadriel: *goes on being dramatic, apparently not noticing the snickers* Victory was near-but the power-

Aragorn: *roars, draws Anduril and starts to leap forward* AHHHRRRRRR!!!

Galadriel: *terrified* AHHHHH!! *gets ready to run*

Gandalf: *wildly* Film, there's FILM still running! Stop him!! *entire rest of Fellowship and most of rest of cast leap after Aragorn and pin him down, tying him up and sedating him*

Galadriel: *sighs in relief* Uh, what were my lines? Oh, yes. The-*whimpers* uh, the You-Know-What of the Ring could not be undone. 

_Sauron appears on the battlefield, flinging a dozen Men here and there like smelly old socks with each blow of his huge mace. _

Galadriel: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded away like colours under bleach, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword! 

_Isildur snatches up sword, Sauron stands on it and breaks it with his gigantical weight, but Isildur uses the broken blade to cut off Sauron's fingers, and the Ring with them. _

_Ring: *taking a good look at Isildur* OH!! HE'S HIDEOUS!!_

 Galadriel: Sauron, the scariest nemesis since Darth Vader, was defeated.

Aragorn, backstage: Uh, Gally, y'do know that we came first, right? I mean, before Star Wars? So, Sauron actually came before Vader! Right?

Galadriel: UHHH. You are _ruining_ my speech. And I still say Darth Vader is scariest. *continues lines* The Ring passed to Isildur... 

_Ring: *kicking and screaming* NOOOOO!! Let me go! I can't stand the smell!! And his FACE, ugh, what happened to his FACE!_

Galadriel:...who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the Ring of...ahem, You-Know-What...has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur, to his death.

_Isildur is attacked by goblins. _

_Isildur: AHH! Goblins! Oh, they're so UGLY! Save me, save me! *croaks in the river; Ring is lost in the water* _

_Ring: Ahh, a nice bath. After being with that stinky old git, I surely need one!_

 Galadriel: And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. Myth became fairy-tales. Fairy-tales became- 

Celeborn: *sticking his head into the room during a lucid moment* We get the point already!

Galadriel: Here, take this-*hands him a pill, which he takes and drifts into silent euphoria* For two and a half _thousand_ years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the Ring's magnificent beauty ensnared another bearer. 

_Ring: *primps* Come and get meee!_

_Gollum finds the Ring in the riverbed._

_Gollum: My Precious, my own. _

_Ring: No, I am NOT, you ugly creature! Unhand me, sir! *struggles* _

_Gollum: My **precious-***bonks it really hard and sticks it in his pocket, the whole time managing to look like he loves it*_

Galadriel: The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels under the Misty Mountains...and there, it consumed him. 

_Ring: *chomp chomp chomp* Mmm, tasty Gollum..._

_Gollum:  It came to me...my own...my love...my precious._

_Ring: *sulkily* You wish!_

Galadriel: The Ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum's cave it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of...uh, You-Know-What...perceived that its time had come. It abandoned Gollum, but then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. 

_Bilbo:  What's this? A ring! _

_Ring: *looking Bilbo over* Well, he's not as hot as Sauron, but he's far better than the hideous things I've been stuck with so far!_

_Gollum:  Lost! My Precious is lost!_

Galadriel: For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all. *under her breath* Yeah, and they'd better do it right, or else I am gonna hit them soo hard...Oh! Did I say that on camera? Oh, I'm so sorry... *audio fades into intro music with her still babbling*  

Note: All italic not indicated as someone speaking is most likely a flashback, as in the parts with Isildur, Gollum, and the battle


	2. The Shire 60 Years Later

  Shire 60 years later 

Frodo reading a book under a tree, hears Gandalf approach singing. Runs to meet him, trips over a rock and goes head over heels, right under the horse, which steps on him by mistake and makes a hobbit-cake out of him. 

Frodo: SPLAT!

Gandalf: OH, NO! *stops the horse and gets out to look over his handiwork* He's DEAD!! I've KILLED him!! *starts wailing and dancing about, panicked* I'm a MURDERER!! 

Frodo: *in a voice muffled by mud and the fact that Gandalf neglected to get the horse off him before stopping* No-I'm alright...if you could just-get this thing off of me...

Gandalf: Oh! Yeah, sure! *gets back in cart and moves horse, Frodo gets up and goes on with his lines*

Frodo: You're late. 

Gandalf: *making complicated grimaces to prevent laughter in the face of a mud-coated and dripping Frodo* A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. 

Frodo throws himself into Gandalf's arms for a hug.

Gandalf: *holding Frodo very gingerly* Ewww...

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you again, Gandalf. *under his breath* Even if you did squish me with your darn horse...

Gandalf: *sets Frodo down gladly, pretending he didn't hear* You didn't think I'd miss your Uncle Bilbo's birthday. 

Frodo: What's new in the world? Tell me everything. 

Gandalf: Everything? You're far too eager and curious for a hobbit. Most unnatural. Well, what can I tell you? *thinks hard, then smirks* Well, Elrond has been-no, they're filming, I can't...oh, drat...*pouts and keeps driving in sulky silence as Frodo shakes himself like a dog*

They pass a field where tents and a banner are being set up.

Gandalf: *brightening* Ah, the long-expected party. How is the old rascal? 

Frodo: *stands up and starts to shout* Rascal? How dare you!

Gandalf: *shoves Frodo down again and hisses out of the side of his mouth-Shut up! They're still filming!* I understand this is to be a party of special magnificence. 

Frodo: *trying not to huff* You know Bilbo. He has the whole place in an uproar. 

Gandalf: Well, that should please him. 

Frodo: Half the Shire's been invited. He's up to something. 

Gandalf: *Doing his best Lord Farquaad imitation* Indeed? 

Frodo: All right, don't tell me, then. No one ever tells me anything!*pouts and tries to remember his lines* Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of. Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected. 

Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved. I only gave your uncle a little nudge out the door. 

_*Gandalf shoves Bilbo out the door a little harder than he intended to, Bilbo flies across the lawn, cracks his head on the gate*_

_Gandalf: OH! Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, honest!_

Frodo: *eyes go all creepy and even huger than they are normally* I know what you did to my uncle...You cannot escape me, I will have my revenge...

Gandalf: *scooting away* AHH! NO!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!

Frodo: *giggles like a girl* Just kidding...though you _have _been officially labeled a disturber of the peace. 

A group of Hobbit children see Gandalf and come running. 

Various Hobbit Children: Gandalf, Gandalf! Fireworks, Gandalf! 

Gandalf pretends he won't, but he sets off a butterfly firework for them. An old grandfather's smile at the children's delight turns to a more socially acceptable frown when an annoyed mother becomes witness.

Frodo: Gandalf? I'm glad you're back. 

Frodo jumps off the wagon and goes headfirst into a bush.

Frodo: Ah! *rustle rustle* Darn BUSH!! *kicks bush* 

Gandalf: *hisses* Film, film!

Frodo: *sheepishly* Oh. Right. Sorry...*gives a little wave at Gandalf and slinks away into the trees*

Gandalf: *trying not to laugh* So am I, dear boy. So am I. 

Gandalf stops his wagon in front of Bag End, passes a sign on the gate, 'No Admittance Except on Party Business', bonks the door with his staff. A royally ticked-off voice comes from within.

Bilbo: _No, _thank you! We don't want any more well-wishers, visitors, or distant relations! 

Gandalf: And how about very old friends? 

Bilbo: *very quietly as he comes to answer the door* VERY old, he's been around like, what, a zillion years? *louder*  Gandalf? 

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins! 

Bilbo: My dear Gandalf! 

Gandalf: Yes, I know my name! Get on with it already!

Bilbo: *looking bewildered* But it's your line now!

Gandalf: Oh! One hundred and eleven years old! Who would believe it? You haven't aged a day. 

Bilbo: Come in, come in! Welcome, welcome. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps something stronger. I still have some of the Old Winyards left. 1296, a very good year! Almost as old as I am! My father put it down... *realizes what he just said and chortles like a sugarsoused Rab* PUT IT DOWN!! Ah-ha-ha-ha, he killed it! IT'S DEAD!! *starts laughing like a maniac, falls down and rolls on floor*

Gandalf: *waits for the fit to mostly pass* AHEM! Film?

Bilbo: *stands and straightens his clothes* Oh. Where was I? What say we open one? 

Bilbo puts Gandalf's hat and staff away. 

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you. 

Gandalf knocks the chandelier, steadies it, and hits his head on the beam when he turns around. 

Gandalf: ARGGGH! Stupid beam! That's it, I'm leaving!! *turns to go*

Bilbo, Frodo, and Various Other Castmembers: *sticking heads in through windows and doors* Hsst! Film, film!

Gandalf: Oh! Oh, yes. *turns back*

Bilbo: I was expecting you last week, but you come and go as you please...*under breath*...whether I like it or not... 

Bilbo gathers food while Gandalf looks at the maps spread out on Bilbo's table.

Bilbo:I can make you some eggs if you like... 

Bilbo comes into the room, but Gandalf isn't there. Gandalf appears from behind him.

Gandalf: Just tea. 

Bilbo: Yes, right, you don't mind if I do? 

Bilbo has a mouthful of food already. 

Gandalf: Oh, no, not at all. 

 Someone knocks on the door.

Bilbo:  I'm not at home! 

Gandalf: *in a old-guy moment* Oh, really? That's funny, I thought you were right there a minute ago...

Bilbo: _No_, I meant metaphorically speaking! I need to get away from these confounded relatives, hanging on the bell all day-

Gandalf: Ah-HAHAHAHA! I can just imagine them dangling there off your bell! *collapses with laughter and wriggles like a fish*

Bilbo: Gan_dalf_.

Gandalf: *gasping* I'm sorry, I think that beam did something to me...go on!

Bilbo: Never giving me a moment's peace! 

Gandalf: *chokes, but lets it pass*

Bilbo: *unaware of choking wizards* I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains! And then find someplace quiet where I can finish my book. Oh, right, tea. 

Gandalf:*recovering his dignity* You mean to go through with your plan, then? 

Bilbo: Yes, everyone's sufficiently stirred up now; I can go in peace.

Gandalf: *beam-damage returning* AHAHAHAHA!! IN PEACE!! *goes off into gales of hysterical laughter*

Bilbo: *rolls eyes, disappears into hallway. Returns momentarily with Gandalf's staff, hefts it with difficulty and bonks the wizard over the head with it, a little harder than he had intended because of the unwieldy weightiness*

Gandalf: OW! *stops laughing to rub head* I object to that! And with my own staff too! *reaches for staff*

Bilbo: *scurries quickly to put staff back before Gandalf can get it* Film!

Gandalf: *yips* Oh! Film, yes! Uh, lines, lines...oh. Frodo suspects something. 

Bilbo:  Of course he suspects, he's a Baggins, not some blockheaded Bracegirdle from Hardbottle! 

Blockheaded Bracegirdle From Hardbottle: *barges in with a roar of anger* WHAT!! I AM NOT-!!

Gandalf: *magically retrieves staff from hallway, and blasts the Bracegirdle out the window with it, not even looking up* You will tell him, won't you? 

Bilbo: Yes, yes. 

Gandalf: He's very fond of you, you know. 

Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him to, but I think in his heart Frodo is still in love with the Shire. The woods, the fields. Little rivers. I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. 

Gandalf: You are _not _thin!

Bilbo: *glares and goes on* Sort of stretched...

Gandalf: OH, that kind of thin!

Bilbo: ...like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday, a very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to! 

Bilbo and Gandalf sit outside Bag-End, catching lung cancer together. 

Bilbo: Old Toby! Finest weed in the Southfarthing. 

Bilbo blows a smoke-ring, Gandalf blows a ship, which sails through the ring. 

Bilbo: Gandalf, my old friend, this will be a night to remember! 

Gandalf: What! Where?!

Bilbo: Huh? What's where?

Gandalf: The Titanic, where did you see it?

Bilbo: *rolls his eyes* Not _that_ sort of a 'night to remember'!

They start to argue and the scene changes quickly before they can ruin it.

===============

The next scene will come when we finish ruining it. 

A/N: Rab is dolphin's second younger brother, who, just so you know why we used him as an example, has the most magnificently maniacal chortle (it just cannot be called an actual laugh, it's far too nutty) after eating too much sugar. Imagine a Gollum who's just gotten the Ring back. It's scary, really. He sounds insane when he does it.

        The 'peace' reference is a family joke, resulting from a childhood word for pee. The word sounds very similar to _peace_, our minds are in the toilet, and therefore the joke. _Peace _in dolphin's family basically means pee-for instance, when learning in History about Patrick Henry and his famous speech, the excerpt "...men may cry 'peace, peace', but there is no peace..." sends them into helpless hysterics. morpheus has been corrupted by overlong exposure-like radiation-and now also finds it funny. Forgive our dirtiness, but it will come up again and we wanted everyone to get the joke.

         If there is anything else that we need to explain, please contact us so we can fix it.


	3. A Long Expected Party

A Long-Expected Party

Gandalf sets off fireworks while large amounts of people dance and eat and drink, mainly alcohol, which all goes to show that this is indeed a party of some sort. If you pay enough attention, you can see Gandalf dancing like a fool of a wizard at one point. 

Frodo sits down next to Sam at a table. 

Frodo: Go on, Sam, ask Rosie for a dance! 

Sam: I think I'll just have another ale. 

Frodo: Get out there and DANCE, you drunken bum! 

Frodo shoves Sam at Rosie and basically the same thing happens as happened to Bilbo when Gandalf shoved him in chapter one. They pick themselves up and dance off. Frodo gets laughing so hard that he falls off the bench and rolls under the table. 

Frodo: HEEHEEHEE!! He SMASHED her into the TREE! HEEHEEHEE....*so on and so forth*

Bilbo is telling his story to a group of young Hobbit children. 

Bilbo: So there I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls, and they were all arguing about how to cook us! Whether it be turned on a spit, or if they should sit on us one by one and squash us into jelly! They spent so much time arguing the whithertos and whyfors that the sun's first light crept up over the tops of the trees and turned them all to stone! 

Gandalf sets off a tiny butterfly firework, which a crowd of Hobbit children try to catch, and, luckily for Gandalf's behind, can't. (Can you imagine if they had?! Second- or third-degree burns on itty Hobbit children tend to result in angry Hobbit mothers!) Gandalf then returns to his wagon for more fireworks, and when he leaves, Merry and Pippin come out to steal one of their own. Merry gives Pippin a boost into the wagon, where he roots around and comes up with one. 

Merry: No, the big one, the big one! (The BIG ONE!) (...oh, dolphy, not _another _inside joke that I have to explain..!)

Pippin gets the biggest firework in the cart and they both run inside a tent, fearing for their lives should they be caught. Pippin lights the firework. 

Pippin: There! 

Merry: You're supposed to put it in the ground first! 

Pippin: It _is _in the ground! 

Merry: OUTSIDE! 

Pippin: This was _your _idea! 

The firework goes off, tent and all, knocking Merry and Pippin flat on their little hobbitty rears in the process. The firework turns into a dragon's head, sprouts wings, then starts doing dragony things, namely, trying to annihilate anything in sight, which it very nearly accomplishes by flying as low as possible over the party. Lots of panicked Hobbits running every which way. Frodo sees it coming (the dragon, not the guests, although really, the way these guests stampede they could be dangerous) and tries to warn Bilbo. 

Frodo: *having finally gotten out from under the table* Bilbo, watch out for the dragon! 

Bilbo: Dragon? Nonsense, there hasn't been a dragon in these parts for a thousand years! 

They duck, not wanting to get made into crispy hobbit-bacon. The dragon-work passes over the hill ( very old, you know, if it hadn't been that way in a thousand years) and explodes. Merry and Pippin observe the chaos they have created and are happy hobbits. 

Pippin: That was good! 

Merry: Let's get another one! 

Gandalf walks up behind and gets Merry and Pippin by their pointy ears.

Merry and Pippin: *squeakily* Ow, ow, your breaking our ears! We'll be good, we swear, just let us keep our ears, they're such good and useful things, you know...

Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took. I might have known.

Pippin: *grinning and forgetting momentarily that his ear is in danger* Yes, you might have if you weren't so old and forgetful...

Gandalf: URRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!! I am NOT OLD! Uh...okay, so I am, but I AM NOT FORGETFUL! *starts to avenge himself by ripping Pippin's ear off*

Pippin: *yelps* Ah! I'm kidding, I was kidding! I didn't mean it! Don't hurt my ears, it's not their fault! *tries really hard to remember exactly what Frodo's best puppy eyes look like, then imitates them* Pleeeaaaase?

Gandalf, faced with Frodo-eyes, relents and decides not to tear their ears off after all, instead making them wash dishes. Several Hobbits go by carrying the birthday cake, and Bilbo stands up. 

Everyone in the general vicinity: Speech! Speech! 

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, and Proudfoots! 

Proudfoot: Proudfeet! 

Bilbo: Shut UP!! This is MY speech, I get to say what I WANT in it! You got that! Now, today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! Alas, eleventy-one years is much too short a time to live among such _excellent_ *glares at offensive Proudfoot* and _admirable _*glares even harder* Hobbits! I don't know half of you half as well as I should like and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

The offensive Proudfoot takes this the way it is meant, as a personal insult, but his hobbity wife reads his mind and bops him one and he decides to kill Bilbo later, in private. Bilbo, his point made and taken, goes on.

Bilbo: I have things to do. I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce this is the end!

Proudfoot: *grumpily under his breath* I don't!

Bilbo: *ignoring certain annoying Hobbits beneath his notice* I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell! Goodbye. 

Bilbo puts on his ring and goes invisible, causing yet another bout of chaos among the party guests. 

Merry and Pippin: Yay, yay, we love Bilbo! He's the funnest Hobbit ever, and he can cause a fuss just by sticking a ring on his finger, and he's just gotten the all-time record for scaring people during a single party! Whooohooo!!

Gandalf alone is not surprised or impressed, 'cause Gandalf is such a wise wizard and already knows about these things. Bilbo then lights out of there.

==============

And yet again, we have work to do!

A/N    Anything I need to explain...? Oh, yes, the stupid 'Big One' joke! Okay, here goes: dolphin's family lives on a small farm, and they raise lots of really smelly things like cows and chickens and the occasional pair of pigs. dolphin's brothers and sister-there are four kids younger than dolphin-play in the cow fields with the cows often, and one time, dolphin's only sister, Sinead, fell into some cow manure kindly left behind by the family Jersey. She came into the house covered in manure and screaming that 'she fell into the Big One' (capitalisation hers). Ever afterward, the words 'big one', no matter the context, are enough to send the whole family into an uproar, hence the little addition in the story. Understand now? Sorry, neither do I, you just learn to 'go with the flow' when you live with them. 

(For future reference, dolphin's brothers and sister are, in order: James Brenan, the eldest; then Sean Bronson, followed by dolphin; Darion Jacoby, Rab Tierney, Dara Riordan and the only girl, Sinead Romany. Got that? To see the lot coming at one in a store can be extremely worrisome; they look like a veritable tribe! And, no, they are _not _Catholic. _I_ am, _they _are not.)


	4. Of Wizards and Rings

Of Wizards and Rings

Footsteps up the path to Bag End. Door opens. Bilbo appears, taking off his ring. Puts it in his pocket. Chooses a staff from beside the door. Gandalf scares the pee out of him by appearing suddenly behind him in the living room.

Gandalf: I suppose you thought that was terribly clever. 

Bilbo: YEEES! *starts chortling again* 

Gandalf: *annoyed* This is not A Bug's Life!! 

Bilbo: Oh,*chortle chortle*sorry. Come on, Gandalf! Did you see their faces? 

Gandalf: Yes, and I don't think it's funny at all! Magic rings shouldn't be used for stupid Hobbit jokes! They are a serious responsibility!

Bilbo: *mutters* Fat lot of fun YOU are! *louder, so Gandalf can hear*  It was just a bit of fun. *Gandalf glowers, Bilbo looks put-upon* Oh, I suppose you're right, as usual. 

Bilbo gathers some things to take with him. 

Bilbo: You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you? With those cousins of his, he takes such a lot of looking after!

Gandalf: *rolls eyes* You mean Merry and Pippin? Did you see what they did to my beautiful dragon firework? 

Bilbo chortles behind his hand, as laughing in a wizard's face isn't a very good idea.

Bilbo: Ummm...yes?

Gandalf: You have NO idea how much work that darned thing took, either! Ah, well, two eyes, as often as I can spare them. 

Bilbo: I'm leaving everything to him. 

Gandalf: And the ring? _You _obviously don't take it seriously...

Bilbo: Yes, yes. It's in an envelope, on the mantelpiece. 

Gandalf looks on the mantel. 

Gandalf: _Bilbo_...

Bilbo: Wait, no, it's here in my pocket. Isn't that odd, now? Yet, after all, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it? 

Gandalf: I think you should leave it behind. Is that so hard? 

Bilbo: Well, no. And yes! It's mine, allll mine, and I won't share! So there! *pouts like an infant* 

Gandalf: There's no need to get angry. 

Bilbo: I'll get angry if I want to get angry! It's MY home, you stupid wizard! You just followed me in here! *gets a weird look on his face, and begins to drool* It's mine, my own, my precious...

Gandalf: Precious? Hey, that was Gollum's name for it, no ripping off other people's names for things!

Bilbo: What business is it of yours what I name my own things? 

Gandalf: I think you've had that ring quite long enough. 

Bilbo: You-you want it for yourself! 

A shadow draws around Gandalf, revealing the power he usually keeps hidden. 

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins! Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!

Bilbo: But Gandalf, you _are_ only a conjuror of cheap tricks!

Gandalf: *disgusted* Urghhhh! I am _not_! And if I was going to steal something, it wouldn't be a Hobbit's stupid ring! It would be something much bigger and grander, like Saruman's fancy new staff! 

The shadow retreats, and Gandalf is the only slightly nasty old man again. Bilbo runs to him. 

Gandalf: Your ring is in no danger from me!

Bilbo: You're right. The ring must go to Frodo. It's late, and the road is long. Yes, it is time. 

Bilbo gathers his pack and heads out the door. Gandalf stops him on the doorstep. 

Gandalf: Bilbo, the ring is still in your pocket. 

Bilbo: *halts in mid-stride and goes red* GgggggRRRRR!! Do you have to always be so darn WISE!!

Gandalf: *not noticing how red Bilbo is getting* Oh, no, that wasn't my wisdom showing through, it was just a bit of logic. You see, you never took it _out_, so I figured it must still be _in_...

Bilbo: GRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *head explodes*

Gandalf: *musingly* Oh. His head's exploded. I'd better get him a new one...

Gandalf gets new head, screws it onto Bilbo's neck, and reanimates him. Bilbo takes out the ring, holds it on his palm, and with a great effort, turns his hand until the ring slips off and drops on the floor. Bilbo walks out, takes a deep breath. 

Bilbo: I've thought of an ending for my book. 'And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.' 

Gandalf: Oh, _Bilbo_! That is, like, so cliched! Can't you come up with something more original? 

Bilbo: *archly ignoring the comment* Good-bye, Gandalf. 

They shake hands, friends as always. (Yeah, right!)

Gandalf: Goodbye, you old-*various epithets muttered under breath* 

Exit Bilbo, singing...

Bilbo: I left my heart/In San Francisco...

Gandalf: Hey, you, that's the wrong song!

Bilbo: Oh. *switches to the right song*

Gandalf: Until our next meeting.

Gandalf goes into Bag End and reaches down to pick up the ring, but sees the Eye and decides that it can stay where it is. Sits in front of the fire, thinking about Bilbo's words and the ring's history while murmuring like a loony old bat. 

_Bilbo: It's mine...my own...my precious._

Gandalf: Riddles in the dark... my precious...

Frodo: Bilbo! Bilbo!

Frodo enters, sees the ring and picks it up with no adverse Eye-seeing effects.

Frodo: WAAAAHAHAHA!! He's GONE!!! He's LEFT me!!! WAAAAH!!

Gandalf looks over, sees Frodo holding the ring, and decides to ignore the obnoxious bawling for the moment.

Gandalf: *as calmly as possible while yelling over the noise* Bilbo's ring. He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you Bag End, along with all his possessions. The ring is yours now. *pinches Frodo hard enough to make him yelp, hisses out of the side of his mouth* Now, shut _up_!

Gandalf holds out an envelope, Frodo composes himself enough to slip the ring inside. Gandalf seals it with wax.

Gandalf: Put it somewhere out of sight.

Frodo: *sniffling* Where are you going?

Gandalf heads for the door. 

Gandalf: There are some things I must see to. 

Frodo: What things? 

Gandalf: Questions, questions that need answering. 

Frodo: But you've only just arrived! And now you're leaving TOO!! WAHAHAHAHAH!! Everybody's leaving me! I don't understand!!

Gandalf: *starts to weep and wail too* Nobody ever does! Waaahh, I need a psychiatrist...*runs sobbing out of the door*

=================

New chapter-The Ring- should be finished by Monday evening, Tuesday afternoon at latest!

This chapter doesn't have anything to explain! Yay! For once, I managed to keep most of dolphin's humour in the realm of Widely Understandable! Difficult, considering we were a little distracted by a small ball of calico fur named Itanar (meaning Sparkles of Fire in Elvish)-one of the new litter of kittens on dolphin's family's farm. He's about five weeks old, very playful, and bites _incredibly _hard for something that small! We are trying to teach him better, but it takes a while. In the meantime, typing might be a little hard. He's sleeping angelically, right now, though, so I shall probably try to get some more work done on the next few chapters and on the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone script that Jake so kindly sent us. (More work! URRRGGGGHHH! :-) 

(dolphin just reminded me, though, that it also means more postables!) Morphy


	5. The Ring

The Ring

Gandalf rides to the White City looking for a psychiatrist, sees Mount Doom's fire over the mountains. Barad-dur rebuilt-from inside Gollum's voice screams 'Shire! Baggins!' The Nine Nazgul ride out of the gate. Gandalf, meanwhile, looks through the library in the White City, searching for telephone numbers of good Gondorian psychiatrists, and accidentally comes across Isildur's old diary. 

_The year 3434 of the Second Age._

_Dear Diary: Today, I found a Ring of Power! Yay for me!! I had to chop It off the hand of this really big, scary guy in outdated black armour, though-I don't think I shall ever be the same! That ARMOUR!! Oh, and he slew Daddy, but that's not  really important. What's important is, now I'm King, and I get to keep my beautiful new Ring! Elrond wanted me to toss It in the fires of Mount Doom-can you imagine?!-but I told him to jump in himself. He didn't though...oh, well, better luck next time! I think I shall give the Ring to my son when I get bored with It; that way, that *BLEEEEP* Elrond-elf will never get It!!_

_Bye!_

_Isildur, the new High King_

Gandalf: Oh...I wonder if maybe that old ring of Bilbo's might be the same one...

A Hobbit cutting wood is startled by a Dark Reindeer(oops, sorry, I mean Rider). His dog growls for a while to make itself look good, then gets out of there as fast as it can. 

Dark Rider: *creepily* Shire. Baggins. 

Hobbit: No Bagginses here. They're all up in Hobbiton. That way. 

He follows his dog as the Rider turns toward Hobbiton. 

Frodo comes back from the tavern to find the window open and the whole hole dark. Gandalf latches onto his shoulder scarily. 

Gandalf: *equally scarily* Is it secret? Is it _safe_? 

Frodo digs the envelope out of a chest and trustingly gives it to Gandalf, who promptly throws it in the fire. 

Frodo: What are you _doing_?*starts sobbing like a small hobbit-child* My beautiful Ring! You're destroying it! You're HURTING it! Oh, you're such a mean wizard, wahhhhh....

The envelope goes all crispy and falls away from the ring. Gandalf gets it out of the fire with Frodo's tongue-I mean tongs. 

Frodo: *snorts back snot* Phew...

Gandalf: Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool. 

Frodo: *accepting it back happily* Yeah, it's the coolest Ring ever!! Yippee!

Gandalf: *ignoring the outburst* What can you see? Can you see anything? 

Frodo: *in a lamenting tone* No, alas, I cannot see at all, for I am blind...

Gandalf: *startled* What!?

Frodo: *giggles* 'M sorry, I just couldn't resist! I mean, it was such a dopey question-

Gandalf: *incensed* Not _in general_, you fool! I meant _on the Ring_, can you see anything on the RING!

Frodo: No, nothing. There's nothing...wait. There are markings. It's some form of stupid, loopy Elvish script, and you know I could never read that stuff!

Gandalf: *sighs* There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I shall not utter here. 

Frodo: Why not? 

Gandalf: Because it's EVIL, you fool! *shakes head at the inbreeding of Hobbits, which produced this under-sized Brainless Wonder * In the Common Tongue, it reads, 'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.'

Scene changes. Frodo and Gandalf sit at the kitchen table and stare sideways at the Ring like it's going to grow tiny legs and run off if they don't prevent it.

Gandalf: This is the One Ring, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself. 

Frodo: Bilbo found it, in Gollum's cave.

Gandalf: How about you try telling me something I didn't know, huh? *returns to his lines as though nothing interrupted* For sixty years, the Ring lay quiet in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age. But no longer. There is evil stirring in Mordor. The Ring has awoken. It's heard its Master's call. 

Frodo: But he was destroyed. Sauron was destroyed. 

The Ring whispers denial. 

Ring: You DOLT! I can't possibly have _heard_ him if he's DEAD!!

Gandalf: *aside* I agree with the Ring. Now, _please_, no more dumb remarks! *clears throat, continues in a pompous voice* Sauron's spirit endured. His life-force was bound to the Ring, and the Ring survived. Sauron has returned. His orcs have multiplied. His fortress of Barad-Dur is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron needs only this Ring to cover all the lands in a second darkness. He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. The Ring yearns above all else to return to the hand of its Master. They are one, the Ring and the Dark Lord. Frodo. He must never find it. 

Frodo: I should say not! He wants to steal my beautiful Ring!

Gandalf: *rolls eyes* Yeah, well! There was one other who knew that Bilbo had the Ring. I looked high and low for that little slimeball, Gollum, but the Enemy beat me to him and tickled him until, amid the hysterical cackling and inane drivel, they recognized two words. Shire. Baggins. 

Frodo: Shire. Baggins. But that would lead them here! 

Gandalf: *tapping Frodo on the head* Well, duh! Is there anything actually IN that pretty little head of yours?

A Black Rider kills a Hobbit night watchman. Somewhere outside, not in Frodo's living room. Back in the living room, Frodo holds out the Ring to Gandalf. 

Frodo: *ignoring Gandalf's insult to his intellect* Take it, Gandalf, you must take it! 

Gandalf: You cannot offer me this Ring! 

Frodo: I am giving it to you! 

Gandalf: I had kinda noticed that, Dodo! But don't tempt me! I dare not take this Ring, not even to keep it safe. Understand, I would use this Ring from a desire to do good...but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine. 

Frodo: But it cannot stay in the Shire! 

Gandalf: No. No, it can't. 

Frodo: *droops, knowing that Gandalf has pawned something off on a Baggins yet again* What must I do? 

Frodo begins packing quickly.

Gandalf: You must leave, and leave quickly. 

Frodo: Where? Where do I go? 

Gandalf: In the _toilet_, fool! Oh, and after that, get out of the Shire. Make for the village of Bree. 

Frodo: What about you? Where will you go? You can't use _my _toilet, you're far too big! You'd break it!

Gandalf: I will wait until I get to the Inn of the Prancing Pony. I'll meet you there, I've got something else to do first.

Frodo: You can wait that long? And the Ring will be safe there? 

Gandalf: I don't know, Frodo. I don't have any answers. I must see the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful. Trust me, he will know what to do. You must leave the name of Baggins behind you.

Name of Baggins: *sobbing inconsolably* NOOO! You can't leave me behind! I WANT to GO!!

Gandalf: *in an explanatory way* That name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day, and stay off the road. 

Frodo: I can cut across country easily enough. It's so soft and flaky! 

Gandalf: Fro_do_.

Frodo: Hee hee! Sorry.

Gandalf rolls his eyes and looks at Frodo, who is now packed, cloaked, and ready for his journey.

Gandalf: Dear Frodo.

Frodo: *absently arranging his cloak to look more stylish* You don't have to start a letter to me already!

Gandalf: *huffs* That's not what I _meant_. I meant that Hobbits are amazing creatures. You can learn everything there is to know about their ways in a month, and after a hundred years they can still surprise and irritate you! 

There is a giggling noise outside the window. 

Gandalf: Get down! 

Frodo starts dancing like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, Gandalf bonks him with his staff.

Gandalf: Not like _that_!! I mean, like, duck!

Frodo: Where?

Gandalf: Arggh...I give up.

Frodo: Oh! You mean get down!

Frodo drops to the floor.

Gandalf: That's what I _said_...

Gandalf reaches out the window with his staff, hits a something which sounds suspiciously like a Sam hobbit. Hauls said Sam hobbit in by the scruff of his neck. 

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping? 

Sam: I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir, honest, I was just cutting the grass outside the window there, if you follow me. 

Gandalf: A bit late for trimming the verge, don't you think?! 

Sam: I heard raised voices. 

Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak! 

Sam: Nothing important. That is, I heard a good deal about toilets, and letters, and *chokes back laughter* cutting across country, and something about the end of the world, but-please don't hurt me, sir! Don't turn me into anything-unnatural. 

Gandalf: No? Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you.*puts on wisest voice* We'll use you for firewood! 

Frodo: No, that won't work! Why don't we just use him as bait? I mean, like, if the Ringwraiths come by, I can, like, throw him at them and escape while they're slaughtering him, right?

Sam begins to look green.

Pippin: *sticking head in* Or, you could just eat him!

Merry: *sticking head in next to Pippin's* Or, you could-

Gandalf: *annoyed and roaring* That is ENOUGH!! My idea is best!! I am the wizard here! (A/N can't you imagine Gandalf doing his best Napoleon the dog imitation: Ahhhhhm the leader...) Now get OUT!! *shows off his powers*

Merry and Pippin: AHHHH!! *try to pull out of window only to discover that their heads are stuck* AHHHH!! *try again unsuccessfully, start to try a third time*

Gandalf quickly changes scenes before they can ruin the whole film, leaving up to our imaginations just how they got out, while in the background the sounds of one Sam being sick all over the floor are covered by music.

==============    

A/N  More of dolphin's potty jokes!! And, worse, many more on the way! Oh, well! 

Have you noticed that we use a lot of Disney movie references? As in-movies that no sane adult would ever admit to having ever seen? (Napoleon the dog, for instance, is from The AristoCats.) Well, that would be because dolphin and I share his late grandmother's apartment, which was built right off the main house's living room. When the younger members of dolphin's family watch a children's video, the sound blasts right through the paper-thin walls and dolphin and I have no choice but to listen. We've tried _everything_, believe me, and nothing can cover the sound! So, if you begin to see infantile humour leaking through into our writing, that would be the reason. (That and the fact that we both are due for a little psychiatric help of our own!) Morphy 


	6. To Bucklebury Ferry

To Bucklebury Ferry

Gandalf and Frodo are walking through the countryside, Gandalf leading his horse. 

Gandalf: Come along, Samwise, keep up! 

Sam runs to catch up, pretending he's not just trying to humour them so they won't eat him, burn him, or use him for live bait. The three stop under the trees. 

Gandalf:  Be careful, both of you. The Enemy has many spies in his service. Birds, beasts. Is it safe? 

Frodo: What are you, obsessive-compulsive or something? That's that fifteenth time since we left Bag End that you've asked that exact same question!

Gandalf: *rolling eyes and looking annoyed* Never mind the smart cracks! Is it safe or not?!

Frodo pats his pocket, where the Ring is hidden.

Frodo: *faking exuberance* Yup, sure it is! You can count on me, Gandalf!

Gandalf:  *totally missing the fact that he is being openly mocked* Good. Now remember, never put it on! The agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power if you do. 

Frodo: Like this?

Frodo puts the Ring on to see what will happen, which results in a loud sucking vacuum noise and Ringwraiths flying in from all directions to stick magnetically to the Ring.

Gandalf: YES! LIKE THAT!!

Gandalf snatches the Ring away, sends the Ringwraiths flying back whence they came, and turns to the cowering Frodo.

Gandalf: Don't SCARE me like that!! I have to PEE, got that! You're not helping!

Frodo: *still cowering* Yeah...

Gandalf: Urgh. Now I've forgot my lines. Uh...Oh, yeah! Remember, the Ring is trying to get back to its Master. It wants to be found. 

Gandalf mounts and turns to ride away on his horse, but hits a tree by mistake as he goes past it. 

Gandalf's head: BONK!!

Gandalf: UUUURRRRGGGGHHH!!!! STUPID DARN *BLEEEEEP* TREE!! That's the SECOND time ALREADY in this movie that I've hit my stupid head!

Frodo: *either having some sort of death-wish or not noticing that Gandalf is gonna blow into pieces with rage* Yeah, I agree with Gandalf. His head is stupid.

Gandalf tries blowing Frodo's head off with his staff, scene dissolves into chaos, we move on to next scene.

Frodo and Sam cross fields, going towards Bree. Sam stops on the edge of a field of wheat. 

Sam: This is it. 

Frodo: This is what? 

Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been. 

Frodo: Oh, come on, Sam! You counted out _all _the steps from here back to Hobbiton?!  Remember what Bilbo used to say. *puts on best Bilbo imitation voice* Frodo, if ever you find yourself counting things without reason, it's time to get yourself a life. 

Gandalf riding to Isengard. 

Gandalf: *bounces unhappily on horse* IhavetogoIhavetogoIhavetogo...

Saruman: Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend? 

Gandalf: No, Saruman. I seek your toilet...

Gandalf and Saruman walking outside Isengard. 

Saruman: You are sure of this? 

Gandalf: Beyond ANY doubt, I WANT to USE your TOILET!! I don't CARE if I said it was a hole fit only for Orcs, I HAVE TO GO!!

Saruman: *chuckles silently to himself, pretending not to hear Gandalf* So the One Ring has been found. 

Gandalf: All these long years it was in the Shire, right under my nose. *bounces some more* Pleeeeaaaase, 'Man, I'm SERIOUS...

Saruman: *interrupts* And you had not the wit to see it. Your love of the halflings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind-while enhancing certain other bodily functions! *snickers into hand*

Gandalf: *perking up* What, really!? I never knew that pipeweed worked like Viagra! *suddenly suspicious* But wait...how would you know that?

Saruman: *huffs disgustedly* Not THOSE bodily functions, ya old coot! I meant your bathroom problem!

Gandalf: Oh! But we still have time, time enough to speak first and still make it to the bathroom afterwards, if we act quickly. 

Saruman: Time? What time do you think we have? 

Saruman and Gandalf inside Isengard. 

Saruman: Sauron has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed in his fortress he sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh. You know of what I speak. A Great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame. 

Gandalf: *trying to concentrate, having despaired of ever getting to the bathroom* The Eye of Sauron. 

Saruman: He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will have assembled an army large enough to wage an assault on Middle-earth. 

Gandalf: You know this? How? 

Saruman: I have seen it. Along with the horrid shades of sparkly ceremonial mascara he uses. I mean...orange? What IS that?!

They enter another room, where a stone sphere lies covered with an odd-coloured cloth. 

Gandalf: A Palantir is a dangerous tool. 

Saruman uncovers the stone with a smooth flick of the wrist. 

Saruman: Tell me about it! 

Gandalf:  They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones. You do not know who else may be watching. Are you certain that you haven't done anything in front of the palantir that Sauron could later use for blackmail?

Gandalf quickly replaces the cloth over the stone, and sees the Eye as he does. 

Gandalf: AHHHH! You're RIGHT! Oh, WHAT was he THINKING!! Black eyeshadow went out of style _years _ago!

Saruman: See, the hour is later than you think. If Sauron has ceremonial mascara on, then his forces are already moving. And the Nine have already left Minas Morgul. 

Gandalf: The Nine? 

Saruman: They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve, disguised as riders in black. 

Gandalf:  Black whats? Black nighties? Black evening gowns? Black pant ensembles? Black undies and nothing else? Oh, ewww...

Saruman: Black ROBES, you idjit! And they will find the Ring, and kill the one who carries it. 

Gandalf: *shaking himself out of an evil daymare of Ringwraiths wearing only black thongs* Frodo! He will be emotionally scarred for life!

Gandalf tries to leave, but the doors slam, one by one. 

Saruman: You did not truly think that a Hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron? There are none who can. Against the power of Mordor there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf! *hurriedly* I mean with Sauron, not the Hobbit. *attempting to recover the dignity and evilness of his lines* We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, old friend. 

Gandalf: Tell me, _friend_. When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness? 

They do wizard-hockey for a long time. (A/N Has anyone else noticed how ridiculous those two look, skidding around the floor and making odd basketball court squeaky-noises? Huh? I mean, they're so OLD!!) Gandalf wets his robe from the pressure of being tossed and skidded around,  loses his staff and is captured. He begins to spin on one shoulder, looking idiotically like he's intentionally break dancing, while his legs kick in the air.

Saruman: I offered you the choice of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain! *fumes* _And _you WET my FLOOR!! 

Gandalf rises toward the roof of Isengard-with Saruman's help, not by himself-looking like a toilet flushing in reverse. Fade to black. 

Sam emerges from a corn patch, alone. 

Sam: Mister Frodo? Frodo! Frodo!!

Frodo reappears from the path ahead.

Frodo: What now?

Sam: I thought I'd lost you. 

Frodo: What on _earth_ are you talking about, Sam? *pauses suspiciously* Have you been drinking again?

Sam: *rolling his eyes* _No_. It's just something Gandalf said. 

Frodo: What did he say? 

Sam: Well, he's said a lot of things already in this movie. Come to think of it, no other character, not even Pippin, is quite as talkative as old Gandalf. I mean, he just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and after a while it all just sort of starts to run together until he sounds like a bug, just droning on, and on, and on, and...

Frodo: OKAY!! I get the idea, and yeah, he does talk a lot, but I meant what is the something he said to YOU, that you just said he said?

Sam: Oh, yeah! He said, "Don't you lose him, Samwise Gamgee". And I don't mean to.

Frodo: Sam, we're still in the Shire, what could possibly happen? 

They get knocked over by Merry and Pippin. 

Sam: *glaring up at Merry* There, you see!? But does anyone ever listen to Sam? NO, they wait until they're flattened....

Frodo: *experiencing slight deja vu, back to when Gandalf flattened him with the horse in the first chapter* Uh, Sam, could you get me out from under here..?

Pippin: Frodo! Look, Merry, it's Frodo Baggins! 

Sam:  You get off him! 

Pippin: Aww, but I just got on him! Can't I stay here just a little longer?

Sam shakes off Merry, picks Pippin off Frodo by the scruff of his neck. 

Pippin: I guess not, huh?

Merry hands Sam an armful of vegetables. 

Merry: Hold these. 

Frodo: What's the meaning of this? 

Sam: You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop! 

Merry: Oh, very clever, Sherlock!

Sam: *startled* Really?

Merry: NO, you fool! I was being SARCASTIC!! Don't you know SARCASM when you hear it!?

They hear Farmer Maggot catching up with them and start running through the cornfield. 

Merry: I don't know what he's so upset about, it's only a few carrots!

Pippin: And some cabbages. And the three bags of potatoes we lifted last week. And the mushrooms the week before that!

Merry: Yes, Pippin! My point is, he's obviously overreacting! 

Pippin, Merry, and Frodo reach the edge of a steep incline. Sam comes up behind them and doesn't stop in time to prevent crashing into them, they all roll down the incline, and Pippin lands inches away from a pile of manure. 

Pippin: Ooh! That was a close one. 

Merry: *furry feet sticking up all around him* Oh...I think I've broken something...

Merry pulls out a broken carrot, which is shaped grossly like something I'd rather not discuss right now. 

Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took! 

Pippin: *innocently, while collecting himself* To do what?

Sam: *accusingly* YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!! You're just trying to make me look foolish!

Pippin: *even more innocently* You need help for that? Why? I do it just fine on my own-heck, even Frodo manages to look foolish in this movie more than once, and we all know where HIS toilet lies!

Frodo: *confused* What does my toilet have to do with anything?

Pippin: *shrugs* I don't know. I just felt like saying it. *nods to Merry* Your line!

Merry: What? My lines? Ohhhh, yeah... *begins* That was just a detour! A shortcut! 

Sam: *scornfully* Shortcut to what? 

Pippin: Mushrooms! 

Merry and Pippin start gathering mushrooms into a bag that look suspiciously like an old sock, and, for all his fussing, Sam follows after them and helps, while Frodo stands around and looks down the road, though we all know that he would have been more than willing to join in the eating part, later. 

Frodo: I think we should get off the road. 

Something dark approaches. (A/N By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes!-Shakespeare's Macbeth)

Frodo: Get off the road, quick! 

They hide under the roots of a tree. The Rider approaches on his horse, then gets off it, sniffing as though he can smell that the Ring is close. 

Rider: *indignantly* Of course I can smell it! It's as good as coffee to me!

A spider crawls out-of the log, not the Ring-and a centipede, and a lot of worms. For the first time, the Ring tries to impose its will on Frodo, pushing him to put it on so they will be found. Sam distracts him. Merry's escapee training kicks in just about now, and the poor mushrooms, old sock and all, are sacrificed in favour of another day of life when Merry tosses them to divert the Rider and save their hobbity skins. Unfortunately, his training only extends to himself and Pippin, so Sam has to grab Frodo and tag along. 

Merry: What was that?

They run for a long time, while the sky turns really dark and scary, and then finally they stop to rest.

Sam: Anything? 

Frodo: Nothing. 

Pippin: What is going on?

Merry: That Black Rider was looking for something, or someone. Frodo? Have you been bugging Gandalf again?

Frodo: *penitently* Yes...

Merry: How many times have we been told _not to bug the wizard_? I mean, last time was bad enough-that dog he set on us was twice our size and could have eaten us in one bite, easy, and now Black Riders? We all know he just makes friends so he can set them on us when we bug him, right? *general agreement* So, what did you do this time?

Frodo: *forlornly* Well, today it was more a question of what I _didn't_ do to bug him...See, first I scared him when he had to pee, and then he hit his head and called it stupid and I agreed with him...

Pippin: Oh, _Frodo_!

Merry: How _could_ you!?

Frodo: Yeah, well. And, lessee, before that, I made him forget his lines...

Rider appears, in the distance, interrupting Frodo's catalogue of his misdeeds. 

Sam: Get down!*stops and thinks a moment* Yeah! Let's breakdance like Gandalf!

Frodo: Oh, no, not that again! Last time I heard 'get down', Gandalf bonked me with his stupid staff!

They hide again, lest Gandalf should be around and have heard Sam's comment.

Frodo: I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I have to get to Bree. 

Merry: Bucklebury Ferry. Follow me. 

They run, but the horse is right behind them. Frodo gets separated from the rest, who get to the Ferry ahead of him. 

Merry: Sam, get the ropes! 

They untie the raft. 

Merry, Pippin and Sam in chorus: Run, Frodo! Jump! 

Frodo: *confused and irritated* Make up your minds! Which is it, 'run' or 'jump'? I'm not an acrobat, I can't do everything at once!

The Ringwraith is right behind Frodo, and catching up fast. 

Frodo: Go!

Merry, Sam, and Pippin: *look around for toilet* Where?

Frodo: *hurriedly* I mean, push off from the dock!

Frodo jumps off the dock, and just makes it onto the Ferry. The Rider stops at the water's edge.

Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?

Merry: The Brandywine Bridge. Twenty miles.

They look back to see three Riders now, heading for the Bridge.

Pippin screams suddenly and falls down in convulsions.

Merry: *turns to look* What?

Pippin: *through teeth chattering with terror* His robes-as he turned-flew up-!!

Merry: *curiously* What? Did you see his underwear?

Pippin: *sobbing in horror* HE WASN'T WEARING ANY!! Oh...I'll never be the same...My eyes, they've burned away from the sight...Oh, I have witnessed pure evil...

=================

Many thanks to Cassandra Claire and her Secret Diaries for letting us use her 'sparkly ceremonial mascara' idea, (over and over and over...)! Her website is, http://diaries.diagon.org/, if you want to check out her series. She's got just about everyone covered, including Ringwraith No. 5, though how you would tell which wraith was which under those robes, I don't know! 


	7. Lodgings At Bree

Lodgings at Bree

Four Hobbits scuttle across the road from the Ferry and arrive at Bree, looking like drowned rats, in the pouring rain. They knock on the gate. Guard answers. Seeing no one at the window, he opens the lower window. 

Frodo: *miffed* Men and their stupid high doors...stupid low window looks like a stupid dog-door! 

Guard: What do _you _want? 

Frodo: *still miffed but trying to be polite to the greasy Human* We are headed for the Prancing Pony. 

Guard: Hobbits. Four Hobbits! 

Merry: Yes, we know what we are! Get ON with it!

Guard: *peeved that his musing has been interrupted* Humph! Fine, then-what business brings you to Bree? 

Frodo: We wish to stay at the inn, and our business is none of your business, so there! *sticks tongue out*

Guard: @#$#%$#@!!!  

The Hobbits, having managed to drive the gatekeeper to profanity in two easy minutes, run as fast as their Hobbitty legs will take them, all the way to the inn.

Inside The Prancing Pony

Frodo: Excuse me? 

Barliman: Good evening, little masters. If you're seeking accommodation, we have some cozy Hobbit-sized rooms available, Mr...? 

Frodo: Underhill. My name's Underhill. We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. 

Merry: *under his breath* We _are_? _Friends_!? 

Frodo: *poking Merry with his elbow* Would you tell him we've arrived?

Barliman: Gandalf?

Frodo: Gandalf.

Barliman: Gandalf?

Frodo: YES, GANDALF!! Urgh, _Men_!

Barliman: Oh, yes, I remember. Elderly chap, big grey beard, pointy hat.

Frodo: Yeah, that's him!

Barliman: Haven't seen him in six months. 

Frodo: *pauses, looking downcast* Darn. See, I knew we should have run faster! Now we're six months late!

Merry: *bonks Frodo* He means Gandalf hasn't gotten here yet, idjit!

Sam: *bonks Merry indignantly* Hands off, that's my Frodo, not yours!

Pippin: *bonks Sam indignantly* Ditto to you! Only-*thinks a minute*-Put 'Merry' in instead of 'Frodo'. I don't really want Frodo...

Sam, insulted that anyone could not want Frodo, bonks Pippin. Pippin bonks him back, so on, so on, huge barroom brawl begins, and a great big piece of film has to be cut out.

Sam: *nursing his head* So, what do we do now? 

Frodo: Put an icepack on it, that ought to work...

Sam: NO, I meant about Gandalf!

Frodo: Oh! Don't worry, Sam. He'll be here.

Sam: Yeah, sure, but _when_? Sometime next Age? Stupid late wizards...

Frodo: *absently* Gandalf said wizards are never late...And besides, the Fourth Age starts next year, so we won't have to wait so _very _long anyway.

Sam: Gandalf said wizards are never late because he IS one. And wait, how do you know the Fourth Age starts next year?

Frodo: *loftily* I have seen it...

Sam: *bewildered* Come again?

Frodo: *grins* Sorry, I couldn't resist. No, actually, I went to visit Saruman on Monday, and hey, did you know he's turned evil, and now he's got this palantir thing you can see stuff in? Oh, wait. I probably should've told Gandalf that before he went there...Oh, well. I'll tell him next time.

Merry sits down next to Pippin, across the table from Sam and Frodo, who's still babbling inanely.

Pippin: What's that? 

Merry: This, my friend, is a pint. 

Pippin: It comes in pints? I'm getting one. 

Sam: You've had a whole half already! 

Pippin goes to the bar for his pint. Sam looks back at a man in the corner.

Sam: *to Frodo, somewhat proudly* That man's done nothing but stare at you since we came in. 

Frodo stops the innkeeper. 

Frodo: Excuse me. That man in the corner, who is he? 

Barliman: He's one of them Rangers. Dangerous folk, they are, wandering the wilds. What his right name is I've never heard, but round here he's known as Strider. 

Frodo: *slowly* Strider...Wow, that's a cool name! Hey, why can't _I_ have a cool name like that? _Frodo_. I mean, what were Mum and Dad THINKING! Isn't it bad enough that Dad had to have a gross name like _Drogo_ without giving ME one like it!?

The Ring tries again to get Frodo to put it on, whispering Baggins, Baggins.

Ring: Yeah, and your last name is just as gross. _Baggins!?_ Sounds like some old dolt...

Frodo: What, you mean like Bilbo?

Ring: Uh...Yeah, sure! Just like that. You don't want to turn out like _that_, do you? Well, put me on, and I'll give you a new, cool name!

Pippin: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins-Frodo Baggins, over there. He's my second cousin, once removed on his Mother's side. 

Frodo runs toward Pippin, at the bar, afraid that he will become the laughingstock of the entire town if Pippin begins handing his name out to everyone. 

Frodo: Pippin! 

Pippin: Steady on! 

Frodo trips, the Ring falls on his finger. The Nine are sucked irresistably towards Bree as Frodo sees the Eye for the first time. Coming face-to-Eye with the disembodied epitome of ultimate evil naturally frightens him, so he takes off the Ring as fast as he can. Unfortunately, this renders him visible again, and he is dragged up the inn stairs by Strider before the Nine can hit Bree. 

Strider: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. _Underhill_. 

Strider tosses his Hobbitty armful on the floor, admires the view for a moment, then remembers Arwen before he can get any really neat ideas. He goes to snuff out the candles instead.

Frodo: What do you want? 

Strider: A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry. 

Frodo: I carry nothing. 

Strider: Indeed? Then what was that in the air a moment ago? Uhh, I mean...*tries to cover his mistake* I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely - that is a rare gift. 

Frodo: Who are you? And why were you checking out my rear?!

Strider: *ignoring the second question* Um...I dunno, who am I? Yesterday I think I was Aragorn, but today I'm Strider and tomorrow I'll probably be something else. *thinks about it, decides it isn't really important and changes subject* Are you frightened? 

Frodo: *also forgetting the second question, now officially freaked out* Yes. 

Strider: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.

The three Hobbits come in, threatening Strider if he has hurt Frodo.

Strider: You have a stout heart, little Hobbit. *steps back suddenly and takes a good look at Sam* Well, actually, you're pretty stout all around. But none of that stuff can save you. Face it, Frodo, the wizard's late again. Who knows when he'll get here. You can't wait up for him anymore. They are coming.

Four of the Nine arrive at Bree, ramming their poor horses right through the gate, which bounces oddly as it squashes the nosy gatekeeper. They find the room where Hobbits appear to be sleeping and slash them to ribbons, becoming shriekingly incensed when they find they have been tricked. Frodo is awake already, watching Strider watching out the window. The others wake at the noise. 

Frodo: What are they?

Strider: They were once men. Great kings of men, and then Sauron the Deceiver gave them nine Rings of power, and, blinded by their greed, they took them without question, one by one falling into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Nazgul, Ringwraiths, neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the Ring, drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you.

Pippin: *looking impressed* Cool! He's even more pessimistic than Gandalf!

Sam, Merry and Frodo agree, but do not think it wise to be as vocal as Pippin. 

================

GRRRRH! This is mostly dolphin's work; the only thing I did, really, is the choppy bit with the gatekeeper! I've been concentrating so hard on writing out the storyplot of an epic-length mpreg for the mailing list that I've hardly touched ART! 

Why do all my original stories end up being so LONG? I never manage to finish them because they never seem to END. Double GRRRRH! 

dolphin's pouting because there are hardly any reviews on his new story, Lost and Found, btw. Be nice and review it for the poor thing-the link is in my Favourite Stories section. dolphin's also written some very good poetry, should anyone be interested-HINT, HINT!


	8. The Road to Rivendell

The Road to Rivendell

The party leaves Bree, avoiding the roads. 

_-Frodo: Oooh, there's an evil road! Pretend it isn't there, Sam, and maybe it will go away!-_

Frodo: Where are you taking us? 

Strider: *rolling his eyes in rangerly disgust* Into the wilds, you fool! *sarcastically pretends to look around* Fewer buildings, fewer people-yep, looks like the wilds to me!

They walk for a while in silence as Sam mentally plans to sauté Strider alive as soon as he is no longer needed.

Merry: *loud enough that Strider can hear* How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's? 

Frodo: We have no choice but to trust him. *grumps to himself*

Sam: Yeah, but where is he leading us? 

Strider: To Rivendell, Master Gamgee, the home of Elrond.

Sam: Did you hear that? Rivendell! We're going to see the Elves! Yippee!

Strider: Excuse me. But did you just say 'yippee'?

Sam: *looking innocent* What? Me? No, of course not!

Sometime later:

The Hobbits stop in the middle of the path and begin to get comfortable. 

Strider: *turning to find that he has lost his retinue* _Gentlemen_, we do not stop till nightfall. 

Pippin: What about breakfast?

Strider: You have had it.

Pippin: We've had one, yes, what about second breakfast? (A/N I love the smug way he says that!)

Merry: *looking from Strider to Pippin* I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.

Pippin: *beginning to get a little hysterical* What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?

Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

Pippin: But I'll starve!

Strider throws an apple to Merry, who catches it and gives it to Pippin, and another one to Pippin, who gets hit in the head with it.

Merry: Pippin!

Pippin: What did I do!? I was just standing there, minding my own business! And he hit me!

Merry: Oh, sorry. Usually anything wrong is your fault, no offence. Let's try this again, shall we?

He turns to Strider, who is gaping like a fish at this long and somewhat convoluted conversation.

Merry: STRIDER! How _could_ you?! Shame on you, picking on a small, defenceless baby Hobbit like that!! You are lower than a worm!

Pippin: WHAT!!? *steaming* A BABY!?

Strider: WHAT!!? *steaming* A WORM!?

Merry: *hobbit brain working quickly to save him from an early and painful death* Uh...Sorry?

Saruman using Palantir. (A/N Which begs the question: for what, exactly?)

Saruman: The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth.

Various Orcs listening in at the door: OOOH! Brown-nosing!

Sauron: Build me an army worthy of Mordor.

Saruman sits in his study, looking uncomfortable as he tries to think up an army scary enough for Mordor. Some of his Orcs enter, looking out of place.

Orc: What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the Eye command?

Saruman: Is that all you ever think about!!? The stupid EYE!! Will no one ever serve me for me?! *huffs for a minute* We have work to do.

The Orcs begin pulling down trees. Gandalf observes from his prison atop the Orthanc tower.

Orc: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.

Saruman: Rip them all down.

Trees: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppp...

Frodo and Company come to a rocky place.

Strider: This was once the great watchtower of Amon Sul. *sadly* Now, it is just a bunch of rocks. We will rest here tonight. 

Strider sits down, unwraps four swords, and passes them out to the Hobbits. 

Strider: These are for you. Early Christmas presents.

Frodo: What! We only just met a couple days ago, you're not supposed to give presents to every stranger you come across!! And as to the occasion, where have you been? We in Middle-earth don't celebrate Christmas! Remember?!

Strider: Whatever! They can be late birthday presents then. _My _birthday's in March. Keep them close.

Frodo: You still only met us a couple days ago.

Strider: *annoyed* Urgh! *struggles not to knock Frodo's head off* I'm going to have a look around. Stay here, and no getting into danger or our food supplies!

Strider sneaks off on the pretence of scanning the perimeter of their camp for enemies, but what he is actually doing is running off to meet with and, hopefully, grope Arwen, who promised to be following him and to meet him just about here. He soon discovers her, hiding in a bush so that no evil things will find her. They make out for a while, he promises to meet her again the next night after they journey a bit more, and they part ways.

Meanwhile, back at the camp, Frodo has been napping. He wakes up to find that the others have built a fire and are now cooking and eating all the food supplies. 

Frodo: What are you doing?

Merry: Eating, you fool, what does it look like?! 

Sam: But not everything! We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: But Strider will kill us if there's no food left! Put it out, you fools, put it out!

Frodo stamps out the fire, forgetting that his feet are bare, covered in quite flammable hair, and not _that_ tough.

Frodo: OWW!!! **_Ow_**, _ow_, ow, ow...*dances in little circles for a while to put his feet out*

A Ringwraith shrieks close by. They look over the edge to find five Ringwraiths approaching. Frodo pulls out his sword.

Frodo: Go! Er-I mean run! Really fast!!

Frodo runs off, whimpering as he goes.

Frodo: _Ow_, ow, ow...

The other three Hobbits follow him to the centre of the old tower and stand back to back, trying to make a fighting formation and not succeeding too well. The five Ringwraiths enter the ruin.

Sam: Go home, you!

Sam leaps forward to fight the Wraiths and gets tossed aside. Merry and Pippin step in front of Frodo and get the same treatment, squealing like pigs as they go. Frodo drops his sword and backs away, not wishing to become wall-pie like his cousins and gardener. He trips in a puddle and falls down. The Wraiths seem to know he has the Ring. They urge him to put it on. He does, and they all focus on it. The Wraiths close in, and he finally puts on the Ring. The Captain of the Ringwraiths tries to take the Ring. It takes all Frodo's strength to pull it away. The Wraith Captain is royally POd that Frodo has denied him and stabs him in the shoulder. Strider attacks the Wraiths, and Frodo takes the Ring off and begins screaming very loudly and shrilly.

Sam: Frodo!

Sam runs to Frodo, now that he can see him.

Frodo: Oh, Sam, you- *begins a rather obscene genealogy of Sam's mother*

Strider, meanwhile, sets fire to the Wraiths. They wisely follow Sam's advice and go home, running lest their robes burn all away and Strider see them naked.

Sam: *putting Frodo's continued cussing off to delirium, but still red in the face* Strider! Get over here NOW!!

Strider races over, kneels down next to Frodo and picks up the sword, but the blade dissolves into dust. He looks at it, then throws it away like a broken toy.

Strider: *disgustedly* He's been stabbed with a Morgul blade. Stupid ill-made blades, they fall apart at the first sign of use. Why is the Dark Lord using these things still? *without thinking first* I thought I told him to use something better!

Merry and Pippin in chorus: You TOLD him?!! What were you doing talking to Sauron!!?

Strider: *innocently* Hm? I didn't say anything. *quickly changes the subject* This wound is beyond my skill to heal, he needs Elvish medicine. Tylenol and stuff. Yup. *nods to himself* Well, we better get going!

Strider picks up Frodo, who is howling like-wait, not a girl, because that would insult girls. A five-month old who's missed feeding? Closer, but still... 

Sam: We're six days from Rivendell! He'll never make it! 

Strider: Hang on, Frodo. 

Frodo: *under breath*To _what_? I'm jouncing around up here on your shoulder like a sack of potatoes! *louder, to get attention* Get me Gandalf! Even he never tortured me like this, and he cracked me over the head with his darned staff all the time! 

Gandalf is still imprisoned on top of Isengard, which is now devoid of any plant life and has deep holes in the ground where Orcs are forging weapons and armour. A moth flutters by Gandalf's head, and he catches it, speaks to it, and lets it go. The moth flies away. 

Moth: Yahoo! Get out of my way, Orcs, I'm a moth on a mission!

Saruman oversees his latest project-a new type of creature is being raised in muddy pits. The first awakens and immediately kills the Orc tending it. Saruman squeals with joy and flings himself at the nearest Orc.

Saruman: Oh, it worked!! Oh, I'm so happy!! *kiss kiss* I'm so-hey, you're an Orc!!

Orc: Last time I looked, yeah.

Saruman: Shut up, slave! You're not supposed to talk to me that way! Oooh, gross, I kissed an Orc...But anyway, my project worked and I'm happy, so I won't have you slaughtered after all. *turns back to the new creature and talks to no one in particular* Isn't he cute? His name is Lurtz.

Strider carries Frodo, they stop at the three stone trolls. 

Sam: Mr. Frodo? He's going cold! 

Frodo, in his odd English accent: You peon!! You are so far beneath me...(A/N How's that for cold?)

Pippin: Is he going to die?

Strider: He is passing into the Shadow World. He will soon become a Wraith like them.

Pippin: See, I told you he was better at that pessimistic thing than even Gandalf!

There is a cry, not far enough away.

Merry: They're close!

Strider: *rolling eyes and muttering* _Brilliant_! Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?

Sam: Athelas? No, I've never met it...

Strider: Urgh! I meant have you _heard _ of it, not met it, you foolish Gamgee!! Athelas! It's also called Kingsfoil.

Sam: Kingsfoil? Aye, that's a weed.

Strider: It may help to slow the poison. 

Sam and Strider search for plant, Strider finds it. 

Arwen: What's this? A Ranger caught off his guard? 

Frodo sees Arwen as she is from the shadow world-a beautiful, glowing elf-maiden in white robes. 

Arwen: **Frodo, I am Arwen. You are the ugliest Hobbit I have ever seen, and that includes your Uncle Bilbo. **

The colour is bleaching out of Frodo's eyes as the poison takes over. He gives no reply to the insult, which worries Arwen, as Bilbo is actually much uglier than his nephew and she would have expected some kind of answer from anyone, even someone turning into a Ringwraith, when they were confronted with being compared to THAT evil-looking Hobbit.

Merry: Who is she? 

Arwen: *still worried* Frodo!

Merry: She's Frodo? She doesn't look like Frodo. Is she going to replace the old one?

Sam: She's an Elf, stupid! 

Arwen: He's fading. He's not going to last. We have to get him to my daddy. 

Strider chews up some of the Kingsfoil and presses it into the wound.

Frodo: *forgetting that he's supposed to be turning into a dreaded Wraith* OWWWW!!! Oh, that hurt...what was that?

Strider: Oh, I just chewed up some of this Athelas...

Frodo: SPIT!? You put SPIT in an open wound!? MY open wound!? How COULD you!

Strider ignores Frodo's rants, chalking it up to delirium. Instead he picks him up and carries him to Arwen's horse.

Arwen: I've been looking for you for two days. There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are I do not know. 

Strider lifts Frodo onto Arwen's horse.

Strider: **Look, I'm sorry about not meeting you and all, but I was delayed by some stupid Hobbits. Especially this one! ***glares at Frodo* **He went and got himself stabbed, and after I had told him not to get into danger, too! ***pouts*

Frodo can actually speak and understand Elvish, but he is currently too busy raving about the spit issue, and thus doesn't notice that he is being unjustly insulted.

Aragorn: **You stay with the other Hobbits now. I will send horses for you.**

Arwen: *still miffed about being left out in the damp night for hours, waiting* **I am the faster rider. _You_, you great lump of a Ranger, couldn't stay on your horse if Sauron himself were after you! _I_ will take him. **

Strider:*looking miffed at this blatant snub to his masculinity* **The road is too dangerous for you. **

Arwen: **Ha! As if! If I can get across the river, the powers of my goodly Daddy will protect him. **I do not fear them.

Arwen gets on her horse, behind Frodo. 

Strider: Arwen. Ride hard and don't look back. Farewell.

Sam: What are you doing? Those Wraiths are still out there!

Arwen and Frodo ride, chased by some Ringwraiths. The Wraiths try to influence Frodo, either to give in to the poison or to put the Ring on. (A/N Anyone know what that gross brownish goo in the corners of Frodo's mouth and eyes is? Watch the close-up when Arwen and Frodo come out of the trees, and you'll see it.)

Arwen: No! Frodo, you must not! (A/N Meaning putting on the Ring.)

Frodo: Aww, why not? It's fun for me!

Arwen: 'Cause I SAID SO, ya furry-footed greenish fool! And don't even THINK about throwing up on my horse!

They get to the river Bruinen, close to Rivendell, and Arwen stops most of the way across to rear her horse and look cool. All of the Nazgul stop at the bank, not wanting to get wet in the icky Elvish water. 

Ringwraith: *trying to be intimidating* Give up the halfling, she-elf!

Arwen draws her sword, still trying to look cool.

Arwen: NO! AHAHAHA!! He's MINE, all MINE!! *starts cackling hysterically, then thinks about it and decides she's not acting royal enough* Uh, I mean...*puts on best majestically brave voice* If you want him, come and claim him! 

The Ringwraiths start to cross the river, thoroughly incensed by the snotty Elf and forgetting about their fear of the water. Arwen speaks to the river in Elvish, and it rises suddenly. Arwen looks shocked that it worked. A flood washes down the riverbed, led by white horse-shapes, and the Nazgul, although they scream and run like frightened children, still get their horses drowned and they themselves washed away. Frodo starts to wheeze loudly and slides gently off the horse. Arwen goes with him. 

Arwen: No, Frodo! Don't give in! Not now! *slaps him hard*

Frodo: *weakly* Owww...

Frodo passes out. Arwen, seeing what she has done, starts to cry and wail.

Arwen: OH!! He's dead! Oh, I didn't mean to, I swear! Daddy, fix him! Let what grace is given me be passed to him.

Pippin, from behind the scenes: *snickers* That might not do him a lot of good, because you haven't got much grace to begin with!

Arwen: *whirls to face Pippin* Not _that _kind of grace and I have so got that, _lots _of it,_ and_ SHUT UP BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! *turns back to Elrond* I'll never be mean to him again, cross my heart! Let him be spared. Save him!

Elrond: *absently and somewhat ruined by static, as the transmission has to come from Rivendell and there are trees in the way* As I recall, you said that same thing about your puppy, and then you left it out in the sun and it did that shrivelly thing and _I_ was the one who had to deal with the EHTA(Elves for the Humane Treatment of Animals)...

Arwen: *frantic* But he's not mine he's Aragorn's and now I've broken him and ARAGORN IS GOING TO KILL ME!!

Elrond: Oh, alright, sweetie. If you promise...

Elrond says a fixing-spell in Elvish. Frodo's world dissolves into light as Elrond's utter hideousness overcomes his senses.

===================

Note: All bold text denotes speaking in Elvish.

Okay, so I've taken a really long time with this one-can I help it that I can never get to computer?! Dolphin spends most of his waking hours attached to the screen, and the only time I have is when he is busy with chores or schoolwork! Urrgggh! Next chap should be out by Saturday, though, since he's going to be doing much of the work. Hah, so there!

By the way, goodly is one of dolphin's very favourite expressions; you'll notice it often in places where he has contributed!


	9. Rivendell

Rivendell 

Frodo wakes up, in bed.

Frodo: Where am I? Who am I? What am I? Why am I?

Gandalf: You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know. And as to who, what, and why you are, well, if you don't know, no one does.

Frodo: Gandalf? 

Gandalf: Yes, I'm here. And you're lucky to be here, too. A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid, but you have some strength in you, my dear Hobbit. 

Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us? 

Gandalf: I am sorry, Frodo. I was delayed. *stares off into space in the approved soap-opera thinking-about-something-else fashion* 

_The scene is the top of the Orthanc tower. Saruman is practicing his 'evil voice' on Gandalf, trying to get it right for when the new Uruk-Hai are big enough to stop wetting their Orc-diapers and follow his evil commands._

_Saruman: A friendship with Saruman is not lightly thrown aside. One ill turn deserves another._

_Gandalf: *meekly, because Saruman has the staff* Um, I don't think that's the way it goes, I think it goes 'One **good **turn deserves another'...Don't you think?_

_Saruman: *holds Gandalf out over the edge of the tower* Shut up! You're not allowed to speak, prisoner! Ugh, now you've made me lose the voice. *clears his throat and tries to find his place in his lines* Um...It is over. Embrace the power of the Ring or embrace your own destruction!_

_Gandalf sees the moth approaching behind Saruman, trailing Gwaihir, King of Eagles, behind it. He gains a little bit of courage and decides to try out his own 'majestic good guy' voice on Saruman before leaving._

_Gandalf: There is only one Lord of the Ring. Only one who can bend it to his will, and he does not share power!_

_Gandalf jumps off the edge of the tower. Gwaihir catches him, and they fly away. _

_Saruman: So you have chosen death. _

_Gandalf: *over his shoulder as he flies heroically away* No, fool of a Curunir! I have chosen Eagle Airlines, the best mode of transportation anywhere!                     _

Frodo: Gandalf, what is it? 

Gandalf: *snaps out of it* What? Hmmm? Oh, nothing. 

Sam comes into the room with Elrond behind him. 

Sam: Frodo! Bless you, you're awake! 

Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side. 

Sam: We were that worried about you, weren't we, Mr. Gandalf? 

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you have begun to mend. 

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins. 

Frodo: *screams* AHHHHH! What is THAT! Oh, it's so UGLY!!!  

Later, outside Frodo's room, Frodo meets Merry and Pippin again, and Bilbo, who looks much older. 

Frodo: Bilbo! 

Bilbo: Hello, Frodo, my lad!

Frodo: Bilbo.

Frodo looking at Bilbo's book. 

Frodo: There and Back Again, a Hobbit's Tale, by Bilbo Baggins. This is wonderful! 

Bilbo: I meant to go back, wonder at the powers of the Mirkwood, visit Laketown, see the Lonely Mountain again: but age, it seems, has finally caught up with me. 

Frodo: I miss the Shire. I spent all my childhood pretending I was off somewhere else, off with you on one of your adventures. But my own adventure turned out to be quite different. I'm not like you, Bilbo. 

Bilbo: *looking extremely self-satisfied* My dear boy. No one can be like me!

Scene changes. Sam is packing his things. 

Sam: Now what have I forgotten? 

Frodo: Packed already? 

Sam: No harm in being prepared. 

Frodo: I thought you wanted to see the Elves, Sam. 

Sam: I do. 

Frodo: More than anything!

Sam: I did, but...but when I got here, and saw them-well, let's just say that if all the Elves look like Lord Elrond, this world could do without them. He is, like, SO ugly!! And his hair is all stringy and stuff...I thought Elves were supposed to be drop-dead gorgeous?

Frodo: *agreeably* Apparently not. But-hey, wait, that wasn't your line! You were supposed to say-*starts with Sam's lines*

Sam: Hey! Those are mine, let me say them! *goes on* We did what Gandalf wanted, didn't we? We got the Ring this far, to Rivendell, and seeing as how you're on the mend, I thought we'd be off soon. Off home. 

Frodo: You're right, Sam. We did what we set out to do. The Ring will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to go to hell.

Sam: WHAT!!? Home, it's HOME! *worriedly* You didn't mean that, did you?

Frodo: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention! What did I say? Did I say something bad? I was just thinking of Lord Elrond, was all! Did I ruin the film again?

=====================

Oh, yay, it's done! *looks sheepish* Did I say Saturday? Well, I must have _meant _Monday! Really!

dolphin and I are setting up our own website-oh, the pain!-and it takes more time than I had planned on to get things together. One can't be getting one's daily slash fix when one is concentrating on trying to figure out what one did wrong with the formatting in one's fiction section. GRRRR! Anyway-this little ficcie here, as well as all of dolphin's stories and poetry, will be on the site when we are finished. I'll also eventually have several mpregs of my own and two or three more ruined scripts (we've got The Phantom Menace, A New Hope, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone lined up, and hope to eventually find The Two Towers as well).

Why can't we fit just a few more hours into every day?! 


	10. New Arrivals

New Arrivals

Gandalf and Elrond, spying on Frodo and Sam from Elrond's cool Elvish balcony.

Elrond: His strength returns. 

Gandalf: No kidding! As soon as we got him away from your daughter he recovered nicely, thank you! 

Elrond: Hey, it's not my fault Aragorn handed him over to her! _I _wasn't there! Urrrgh! *disgusted at this blatant unfairness* Yet to have come so far still bearing the Ring, the Hobbit has shown remarkable resilience to its evil. 

Gandalf: *sees a plot forming in Elrond's evil mind* It is a burden he should never have had to bear. We can ask no more of Frodo. 

Elrond: Gandalf, the Enemy is moving. Sauron's forces are massing in the East. The Eye is fixed on Rivendell. Now you tell me Saruman has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin. 

Gandalf: His treachery goes deeper than you know. By foul craft, Saruman has crossed orcs with goblin men. He is breeding an army in the caverns of Isengard.

Elrond: *grimacing* Ewww...That was a picture I did _not_ need...

Gandalf: *ignores Elrond's 'eww'-ing* An army that can move in sunlight, and travel great distances at speed. Saruman is coming for the Ring. 

Elrond: This evil cannot be concealed by the power of the Elves. We do not have the strength to fight both Mordor and Isengard. Gandalf. The Ring cannot stay here. 

Boromir arrives, and Legolas with his nanny and entourage, and a group of Dwarves.

Elrond: This peril belongs-*distracted by the arrival of Legolas* Oooh! *drools over the balcony* Who's that? Oh, she is soo cute...

Gandalf: *rolling his eyes* Get a grip. That's a guy.

Elrond: *blushes* Oh. *recovers* But it's cute anyway. *watches Legolas dismount*

Gandalf starts to roll his eyes again, but then jumps suddenly with a yelp, pulled rudely out of his eye-rolling fest by a memory of his precious film.

Gandalf: Ah! Film, Elrond!

Elrond: *pouting and gazing longingly after Legolas* Oh, what_ever_...*begins again* This peril belongs to all Middle-earth, and they must decide now how to end it. The time of the Elves is over. My people are leaving these shores. Who will you look to when we are gone? The Dwarves? They hide in their mountains seeking riches, they care nothing for the troubles of others!

Gandalf: It is in Men we must place our hope. 

Elrond: Men! The race of Men is weak, failing. The blood of Numenor is all but spent, its pride and dignity forgotten. It is because of Men that the Ring survives. I was there. I was there three thousand years ago, when Isildur took the Ring. I was there the day the strength of Men failed. 

_Isildur takes the Ring. _

_Elrond: Follow me!_

Elrond: I led Isildur into the heart of Mount Doom, where it was forged, the one place it could be destroyed.__

_Elrond: Cast it into the fire! Destroy it!_

_Isildur: *pouts and crosses his arms* No! I won't. It's mine, nobody ever lets me keep anything pretty! But I'm keeping this, hmph, so there. *lifts his nose and prances off*_

_Elrond: ISILDUR!! GET BACK HERE!! I'm warning you, Isildur, I'll tell your fath-oh, oops, forgot he's dead now. Uhh...Your mother? No, she's dead too! BLEEP it all!*follows Isildur out of Mount Doom's innards still pondering how to stop him*_

Elrond: It should have ended that day, but evil was allowed to endure. Isildur kept the Ring. The line of Kings is broken. There is no strength left in the world of Men. They are scattered, divided, leaderless.

Gandalf: There is one who could unite them. Who could reclaim the throne of Gondor.

Elrond imagines little cartoon Aragorn snatching throne of Gondor and running off with it, squealing, 'hee, hee, hee, hee! It's mine, all mine!', and quickly pushes thought away.

Elrond: He turned from that path a long time ago. He has chosen exile. 

Strider sits in the Museum of Rivendell, looking really pouty and reading a book, while across the room Boromir looks at the displays.

Boromir: The shards of Narsil. The blade that cut the Ring from Sauron's hand. 

Boromir stupidly runs his finger over the edge of the sword, and cuts said finger on it. 

Boromir: OWOWOWOW!! That _HURT_!...

Strider, from across room: Film, you idiot! Film!

Boromir recovers sufficiently to stop sucking on his finger and manages to whimper next lines before racing out to get a bandaid from Elrond. 

Boromir: *really fast* Still sharp. But no more than a broken heirloom.

The sword hilt falls when Boromir tries to replace it on the statue and races out. Aragorn picks it up and returns it to its place. Arwen comes in behind him.

Arwen: Why do you fear the past?

Strider: AHH! *spins around* Oh, you scared me! What are you doing, stalking me?!

Arwen: _No._ I just came to say that you are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate. 

Strider: *disheartenedly* The same blood flows in my veins.

Arwen: *revolted* Oh, gross! Really?! The same blood as a long-dead guy, oh that is sooo icky...

Strider: Not _literally_, you idj-uh, I mean, darling. I meant I'm from his blood_line_. Get it? The same weakness. 

Arwen: Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it. **The shadow does not yet hold sway. Not over you, not over me. **

Scene changes to a bridge with Arwen and Strider on top. (A/N On top, eh? Hmmm-wait, that's het! Ewwww, yuck! I can't do het...!)****

Arwen: **Do you remember the first time we met? **

Strider: **I thought I had strayed into a dream. An evil dream...a nightmare. There you were... **

Arwen: *interrupts* **Long years have passed since then. You did not have the cares you carry now. Do you remember what I told you?**

Strider: You said you would bind yourself to me. *shudders at the thought of living with Arwen day in and day out* You'd give up that whole 'immortal' thing you Elves have going, for me. *under his breath* To torture me forever...

Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you, as Queen, than face all the Ages of the world alone, as a darn princess. I choose a mortal life.

Arwen hands her sparkly necklace over to Strider, hoping to bribe him into not dumping her with a promise of riches. Strider misses entirely the fact that he is being given something really valuable.

Strider: You cannot give me this. It's a_ girl's_ necklace! What if the others see me wearing it? They'll think I'm a pansy!

Arwen: *irritated* You're RUINING our love-scene! And besides-*leans in close to whisper* I can smell you, and the scent you are giving off is most definitely NOT a pansy. Nope, more like that manure-pile...*pauses for effect before trying to salvage the scene* It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart. 


	11. The Council of Elrond

The Council of Elrond

A Council is gathered, of Men and Elves and Dwarves and Frodo. (A/N So Frodo is a breed unto himself now, is he? *thinks a moment* Hee, hee! Imagine hordes of little Frodos, all with huge, outsized eyes and trembly little lower lips! Sauron should have thought of that: all they would have to do is threaten to cry, and the world would fall before them!)

Elrond: *clears throat and puts on best lordly voice* Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You are summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands on the brink of destruction. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. *pauses dramatically* Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. 

Frodo gets up and puts the Ring on the special little stand in the center of the Council room, although no one quite knows why there is a stand in the center of a Council room. I mean, it's a stone stand, it's not like you could just pick it up from someplace else and bring it there, so it must have been there all along, right? But why would anyone need a stand in the center of a Council room?

Boromir: So it is true. Elves really don't have any sense of reality, only art...

Legolas, Elrond, and various other Elves who happen to be there: HEY!!

Boromir quickly changes the subject, before the Elves can kill him

Boromir: The Ring is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him! 

Strider: You cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master. 

Boromir: And what would a _ranger _know of this matter?

Legolas bounces out of his chair like there are springs in his butt and starts laying into Boromir.

Legolas: He is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance. 

Boromir: _This _is Isildur's heir? 

Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor. 

Aragorn: **Shut yer trap, Legolas. **

Boromir: Gondor has no king.

Aragorn: *looking insulted* We know that! That's why it has a Steward, if it had a king it wouldn't need- 

Boromir: *interrupts* Gondor _needs _no king. Especially not one who can't even remember to bathe and shave!

Aragorn: Hey, look who's talking!

Boromir: Yeah, but I just came in from a long and arduous journey across miles of embattled territory! What's your excuse?!

Aragorn: I just came in from herding four insatiably hungry Hobbits across miles of foodless wasteland! I win!

Aragorn sits back, looking smug. Boromir looks vaguely impressed, although he would never admit it.

Boromir: Oh, well, then...

Elrond: *hisses* You are RUINING my Council! Get back to your lines, now, before I have you both thrown out on your royal and semi-royal rears!

Gandalf: *trying to get back to the point* Aragorn is right. We cannot control it. 

Elrond: *still miffed, but covering admirably*  We have but one choice. The Ring must be destroyed. 

The Ring mutters its displeasure.

Ring: Son of a BLEEP, can't keep his stupid ideas to his own BLEEP self, no wonder his BLEEP wife left him...

Gimli: What are we waiting for? 

Gimli picks up his axe and hits the Ring with it. Frodo sees the Eye, and the axe is shattered. Frodo starts clutching his head, recalling the last time Gandalf hit _him_. Gimli is knocked to the ground. 

Elrond: *snorts* Boy, you looked a fool! The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess. It was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade.

Gimli: *incensed and out of breath from falling flat on his Dwarfy behind* Well, you could've TOLD me that BEFORE I hit it and broke my axe, ya idjit!

Elrond ignores this total breach of decency and respect, instead continuing with his dramatics.

Elrond: The Ring must be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. *pauses dramatically* One of you...must do this.

There is silence; then everyone but Elrond makes a sudden panicked rush for the doors.

Elrond: *bellows* SIT DOWN!! NOOOW!!!

Everyone stops in their tracks and sits down slowly, scattered whimpers audible as they do so. Boromir waits a moment, then takes a deep breath and begins an important-sounding speech, so as to calm himself and rebuild his ego.

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep.

Frodo: *impressed* Or even take a bathroom break?

Boromir: *glares* No interrupting when I'm doing my goodly speech! And the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Legolas: Have you heard nothing that Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!

Gimli: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?

Boromir: And what if we fail? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf! Never trust an Elf!

Legolas: *as menacingly as is possible for someone who looks as feminine as he does* You wanna repeat that, mountain-brain?

Gimli: Oh, so Elves are deaf as well as stupid?

Legolas launches himself at Gimli at the same time as all the other Elves, who happen to be behind him, so he ends up crushed into the floor on top of Gimli while Frodo listens to the Ring chant the 'One Ring to rule them all' poem in the language of its master. The rest of the Council also dissolves into fist-fighting, and flames spread across the Ring's surface as it cheers them on.

Ring: Yeah, get him, Dwarf! Get the Elf, get the Elf! No, the other Elf, you dodo! THAT'S THE WRONG ELF! That one's out cold already ya fool, you're gonna pound him into jelly if you don't sto-OOOH! Yeah, pound the Elf into jelly! Yippee! Go, Wizard, pull the Ranger's hair, like that, yeah! Yahoo!

Frodo: *in a squeaky sort of voice lest the others take offense at being addressed while trying to fight* I will take it.

Fist-fighting continues. 

Frodo: *slightly braver, since they didn't kill him the first time* I will take it!

Gandalf hears, and abruptly lets go of Aragorn's hair. One by one, the others realize that their problem is solved, and pause in their beating up on each other. Silence returns.

Frodo: I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though I do not know the way. 

Gandalf: *gets up and tries to regain some semblance of dignity* I will help you bear this burden for as long as it is yours to bear. 

Aragorn: If by my life or my death I can protect you, I will. 

Aragorn kneels in front of Frodo. 

Aragorn: You have my sword. 

Legolas: And you have my bow. 

Gimli: And my axe.

Legolas rolls his eyes disgustedly, then starts whining.

Legolas: Elrond!! He's being mean to me!!! He only wants to go cause I said I wanted to first..!

Elrond, having had much practice with his twins, Elladan and Elrohir, knows just what to do in this sort of a situation.

Elrond: Hush, Leggy! Or I'll take away your bow, and there will be no Orc-shooting fun for you!

Legolas: *pouts* Oh, al_right_...

Boromir: *trying to get back the feeling of the scene* You carry the fate of us all, little one. But if this is indeed the will of the Council, Gondor will see it done. 

Sam runs into the room (if you can call it a room, that is), and takes his place beside Frodo.

Sam: Here! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me. 

Elrond: Indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to my secret Council and you are not.

Merry and Pippin run in, too.

Merry: We're coming, too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us. 

Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission. Quest. Thing. 

Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip. 

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. *looks smug at having gotten such a good idea*

Pippin: Great. Where are we going?

Elrond: *gapes a moment, then-* WAAAHAHAHAHA! You RUINED my nice, IMPORTANT MOMENT! *snots and sobs for a moment* I am _going _to my _room_! I can't _deal _with you people anymore!

Elrond runs off, still sobbing.

Pippin: *innocently* What's with him?

Scene changes to Bilbo's room. Bilbo gives Frodo his old sword and armor. 

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting. Here, take it, take it! 

Frodo: It's so light! 

Bilbo: Yes. Made by the Elves. The blade glows blue when orcs are close. Battery-powered, you know, although the batteries do tend to run out at the most inopportune times. And it's times like those, my lad, you have to be extra careful. Here's a pretty thing. 

Bilbo holds up a chainmail vest, sized for a Hobbit. (It was actually made originally for a tiny likkle Elf-prince!)

Frodo: *skeptically* Lingerie?

Bilbo: Mithril. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragon scales. Let me see you put it on. 

Frodo starts to take off his shirt, and the Ring shows on its chain. 

Bilbo: Oh, my old ring. I should very much like to hold it again, one last time. 

Frodo knows better, and buttons up his shirt again. Bilbo has an evil moment, which consists of him turning briefly into an almost-Orc, then recovers. 

Bilbo: *starts to wail* I'm sorry I brought this upon you, my boy. I'm sorry that you must carry this burden. I'm sorry for everything! 

Frodo comforts him. (We could do some really gross things with that, but we won't!!)


	12. Caradhras

Caradhras

The company leaves Rivendell, then wanders past ruins, over mountains, and through fields.

Gandalf: We must hold to this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us, and from there our road turns east to Mordor. 

Days pass. They stop for lunch-I mean, they stop for lunch every day, of course, but none of those other days were filmed! Merry and Pippin practice swordfighting with Boromir while Aragorn smokes and watches them. 

Boromir: Very good. Again! 

Aragorn: Move your feet! 

Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they have _not_, I would say we're taking the long way around!

Gandalf: Well, that would be why we didn't ask you!

Gimli* ignores the sarcasm* Gandalf, we could go through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome! 

Gandalf: No, Gimli. I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice. I've met your cousin Balin: he's no picnic! I've been avoiding him for years on end, ever since that time we went to see Bilbo, so why would I stop now?

Back at the sword-fight, Boromir accidentally nicks Pippin. 

Pippin: Ow! 

Boromir: Sorry! 

Pippin drops his sword, kicks Boromir in the shins and tackles him. Merry joins in, and the two of them wrestle Boromir to the ground. Meanwhile, upset that everyone is paying more attention to the Dwarf, the Hobbits, and the Men than to him, Legolas gets up on a rock and poses. As he does, he notices something on the horizon. Everyone looks at the thing.

Sam: What's that? 

Gimli: It's nothing, just a wisp of cloud. 

Boromir: It's moving fast, against the wind. 

Legolas: Grrr...Why won't they ever pay attention to _me_? I'm cuter than a thousand stupid crebain...Maybe I need to wash my hair more often, or start wearing more makeup...Or maybe lose some weight. Yes, that must be it! *trying to call attention to himself* Evil crebain from Dunland! Hide!

Everyone rushes to gather their possessions up, put out the fire, and take cover. When the crebain leave, they come out again. 

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras. 

Climbing a snowy mountain, which just happens to be called Caradhras, Frodo falls with total lack of grace and rolls down the incline. Aragorn catches him, but the Ring is missing from around his neck. Frodo looks around and sees it laying in the snow just as Boromir picks it up.

Aragorn: Boromir.

Boromir: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing, just like its Bearer! Only lacking outsized eyes and an overwhelming urge to bawl like a baby! 

Aragorn: Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo.

Boromir: Awww...Do I have to? I just want to look at it, and maybe try it out a little bit...

Ring: Ooh, ooh! Yes, yes! Try me out, you'll like me, I swear! I always have liked the rugged, manly look, and you pull it off quite nicely! Not like that Isildur, he was sooo ugly...*shudders at the memory*

Aragorn: No! You may not keep it, Boromir! Give it back, _now_, before I steal your beautiful horn!

Boromir: Oh, _fine_. As you wish. Hmph. I care not.

Boromir sticks his nose in the air and hands the Ring back to Frodo, who grabs it like a blankie and starts hugging it tightly. Boromir then turns his back and huffs all the way up the rest of the mountain.

Back at Isengard, the crebain have returned and reported to Saruman.

Saruman, speaking to Gandalf, not to the poor crebain: So, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails? Where will you go? If the mountain defeats you, will you risk a more dangerous road?

Legolas tiptoes atop the snow while the others struggle through it. When he comes to the edge of a cliff, he stands there, listening.

Legolas: *squeals* There is a fell voice on the air! Run, everybody, run for your lives!

Gimli: That's easy for you to say, Elf! But how are _we _supposed to run anywhere like this?

Gandalf: Saruman! Stop scaring the Elf! Find somebody your own age to pick on!

In response to this, rocks fall off the side of the mountain, followed by snow. Legolas and Frodo both squeak like toddlers. Saruman can be heard snickering over the sound of the wind.

Aragorn: He's trying to make us wet our pants! Gandalf, we must turn back!

Gandalf: No!

Gandalf tries to stop the storm, but Saruman is reinforcing it from Isengard. Lightning strikes the mountain, and Legolas pulls Gandalf back from the edge to hug, teddy-style, just before snow falls and buries them all. One by one, they dig out of the giant drift. At once Boromir begins an argument.

Boromir: We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!

Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!

Gimli: If we cannot go over the mountain, I say let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria.

Gandalf: *opens Gimli's mouth and peers down his throat* Are you, like, broken maybe? Cause you keep saying the same thing over and over again, you know.

Gimli: *annoyed* I know _that_! Look, I just wanna see my stupid BLEEP cousin, is that so much to ask when I very well might die tomorrow?! I mean, if you had family, and you were going to die tomorrow, wouldn't _you _want to tell 'em goodbye?!...

Merry: *lightbulb goes on over head* Uh, Pip?...

Pippin: What?

Merry: We never told our parents where we were going, did we? I mean, before we came on this whole Quest thingamajig?

Pippin: We didn't?

Long pause.

Merry: Oh, _no_.

Warm in Isengard, Saruman is looking at a beautifully illustrated picture-book and musing.

Saruman: Moria. You fear to go into those Mines. The Dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum. Shadow *pauses dramatically* ...and flame.

Gandalf: *interrupts Gimli's sympathy rants* Oh, what_ever_! Let the Ringbearer decide!

Frodo: WHAT! Me?

Gandalf: *extremely miffed* Yes you! You're the one who had to be all brave and heroic! *imitates Frodo's voice most unpleasantly* _I will take it_, he says. Well now we're taking it, so DECIDE ALREADY!

Frodo: *cowed* Um, okay...*starts deliberating*

Gimli: *whispers in Frodo's ear* Warmth...Mines...warmth...

Frodo: Uhhh...let's go through the Mines!

Gandalf: *glares at Gimli* So be it. 


	13. To Moria and Back

To Moria and Back

Merry: ...And you're not even GROWN UP YET!! I could be brought up on KIDNAPPING CHARGES, I could be thrown in jail for the REST OF MY LIFE! HOW could I be so STUPID as to bring you along and NOT TELL ANYONE!!...

Legolas: *disgustedly* This has been going on for hours! Can't somebody shut him up!

The Fellowship comes within sight of the gates of Moria.

Gimli: The walls of Moria.

Legolas: *starts giggling* Hahahaha! He just insulted his own ancestral home!

Gimli: WHAT!! I did not, Elf!

Legolas: *somehow managing to giggle and talk in a superior voice at the same time* Did _too_! You said 'Moria'! That's what we Elves nicknamed your stupid 'Khazad-dum', meaning it as an _insult_! It means 'black abyss', you idiot! Don't you know anything?

Gimli: AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

We get a quick glimpse of Gimli launching himself at Legolas and beating the Elf's head into the stones before the scene abruptly changes to a pan of the Fellowship as they walk next to a dark lake. Frodo's foot slips into the water, and he scrambles quickly back. Soon they reach a wall framed by two huge holly trees. Gandalf scrubs away dirt to find runes carved into the stone. 

Gandalf: Well. Let's see. Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight. 

The moon comes out just on time, showing the outline of a door with silver writing above in Elvish. 

Gandalf: It reads, 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter'. 

Merry: *mouth hanging open half-wittedly, having finally forgotten the kidnapping charges* What do you suppose that means? 

Gandalf: Oh, it is quite simple. *muttering under his breath* Just like you, actually, but that's another matter... Ahem, yes, if you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors open.

Doors: *cackling evilly* That's what YOU think...

Gandalf starts trying out passwords, but none of them work. Aragorn and Sam take all luggage off the pony's back and let him go. 

Aragorn: *to Sam* The Mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill. *to Bill* Go on. 

Sam: *snuffling* Byebye, Bill. 

Aragorn: Don't worry, Sam, he knows the way home. 

Sam: *suddenly incensed* HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!! You're only a stupid RANGER, you know NOTHING! *stomps off*

Aragorn: *bewildered* Was it something I said?

Merry and Pippin are busily throwing rocks in the lake.

Pippin: *over his shoulder* Don't worry, it's not you. I think it's that time of the month...

Sam: *bellows* I HEARD THAT!!

Aragorn suddenly notices what the Terrible Two are doing and reaches out to stop them. 

Aragorn: Don't disturb the water! (A/N You have DISTURBED the DIRT!!!)

Having tried any number of passwords, Gandalf sits down in disgust. 

Gandalf: This is useless! 

Frodo, having been thoroughly enjoying watching the wizard throw temper tantrums and sulk, finally decides to let poor Gandalf in on his observations.

Frodo: *in a cheerful sort of voice* It's a riddle. 'Speak friend and enter.' What's the Elvish word for friend? 

Gandalf: **Mellon**. *starts laughing hysterically* AHAHAHAHA!! Juicy, wonderful melons!!

Gandalf turns around to find the entire Fellowship, even the previously sulking Sam, staring at him.

Gandalf: What? It's not my fault, it's all the fault of that beam back at Bag End!

The gates open. They go in. 

Gimli: Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beeeeeer, (A/N hee, hee, I love the way he says that! ) rrrripe meat off the bone! 

Rest of the Company, as one: EWWWWW!

Everyone except Gimli and Gandalf makes for the door, only to have Gandalf drag them back for politeness' sake. Gimli goes on, either not noticing or not caring that the others have all turned a bright shade of neon green.   

Gimli: This is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine! 

Boromir, in the midst of trying to find a place to upchuck, makes the mistake of inspecting the floor a bit more closely and suddenly becomes greener.

Boromir:*fighting the urge to hurl* This is no mine, it's a tomb. 

Light reveals skeletons all over.

Gimli: No! NOOOO!! *makes a fool of himself bawling*

Pippin: *aside to Merry* If all the Dwarves are dead, does that get us off the hook with the meat thing?

Merry: I hope!

Legolas pulls an arrow out of one of the skeletons. 

Legolas: Goblins! 

Boromir: *now frantic* We make for the Gap of Rohan! We should never have come here! Get out! Get out! 

Frodo is grabbed from behind by a roving tentacle from the lake and gets out somewhat more quickly and a good deal more violently than he had hoped to. All four hobbits leap at Frodo to help him, but the Watcher in the Water is huge. Sam decides they need help.

Sam: Strider! 

Sam cuts off the tentacle holding Frodo, but more push the Hobbits away while another grabs the Ringbearer, dangling him far above the water. Aragorn and Boromir chop off tentacles. A huge mouth, full of teeth, rears out of the water, and Legolas puts arrows in it. 

Legolas: There's a good place for an arrow...and there...and what do you think of one just above the eye? No? Too offbalance? Oh, well...

Aragorn chops off the tentacle holding Frodo, Boromir catches him when he falls. Legolas puts an arrow in one of the Watcher's eyes, giving Aragorn and Boromir time to get out of the water. 

Gandalf: Into the mines! 

They retreat to the mine. The Watcher crumbles the gate behind them. 

Gandalf: We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world. Quietly now. It is a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope our presence may go unnoticed. 

They begin climbing an old staircase, which is steep and cluttered with debris. Pippin loses his grip and starts sliding backwards, but Merry breaks his fall.

Merry: *shoving hard at the Took suddenly planted on top of him* _Pippin_!

They come to the top of the stairs. 

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place. 

Pippin: Are we lost? 

Merry: No. 

Pippin: I think we are. 

Merry: Shh, Gandalf's thinking. 

Pippin: Merry? 

Merry: What?

Pippin: I'm hungry. 

Frodo sees something behind them and goes to Gandalf. 

Frodo: There's something down there. 

Gandalf: It's Gollum. He's been following us for three days. 

Frodo: He escaped from the dungeons of Barad-dur! 

Gandalf: Escaped, or was set loose. Gollum hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He will never be free of his need for it. 

Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance. 

Gandalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many who live deserve death, and some who die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death and judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum still has some part to play, for good or evil, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many. 

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened. 

Gandalf: So do I! But look on the bright side, Frodo! At least all the dwarves are dead and we won't have to choke down 'ripe meat'! (stares into space a moment before suddenly erupting off the rock he had been resting on and scaring the rest of the Fellowship half to death) Ah! It's that way. 

Merry: He's remembered! 

Gandalf: No, but the air smells less foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.

Pippin: *sulkily under his breath* Why couldn't you use your darn sniffer before?

Luckily for Pippin's life, Gandalf doesn't hear. They continue on down a long passageway and come out into a room at the end.

Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light.

The light of the staff reveals that they are in a huge cavern, held up with immense pillars.

Gandalf: Behold! The great realm and Dwarf-city of Dwarrowdelf. 

Sam: Well, that's an eye-opener and no mistake! 

Gimli sees a door and runs through it (dolphin: Through it!).

Door: SMASH!!

Gimli: Owww....

Gandalf: Gimli! 

The others follow, find Gimli bawling like a calf over somebody's tomb. Gandalf reads the Dwarven runes on the top of the tomb. 

Gandalf: Here lies Balin, son of Fundough-oops, I mean Fundin-Lord of Moria. He is dead then. It is as I feared. 

Gandalf finds a book held by a skeleton who used to be Ori leaning against the tomb. 

Legolas: We must move on. We cannot linger here. 

Aragorn, who is closest to Leggy, nods absently but the rest of the Fellowship is too busy listening to Gandalf's dramatic performance to care.

Gandalf: They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming. 

Pippin backs away and accidentally knocks a skeleton into the well, making a little more than enough noise to wake the dead. 

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time (dolphin: Ha! Shows he expects a next time!), and rid us of your stupidity!

Pippin: *hurt* What?! It's your fault, you were scaring us on purpose with that stupid book...I had to get away from you!

There is a pause where it seems they might not have been heard, but then drums start pounding. Frodo's sword is glowing blue. 

Legolas: Orcs! 

Boromir checks out the door, almost gets hit by two arrows, shuts the door. 

Boromir: They have a cave troll. 

Aragorn: Stay back, close to Gandalf! 

They bar the door with several old axes that were just lying about. 

Gimli: Let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath! 

Orcs: *from outside door* We can fix that one for you, you undersized BLEEEEEP!

Orcs break holes in the door. Legolas and Aragorn shoot arrows through the holes and kill Orcs on the other side. Finally, the doors break open and Orcs flood in. All the companions join in the fighting, even the Hobbits. Then the troll comes through the door and part of the wall. Sam slips under him, probably getting a GREAT view on the way. Many Orcs are killed, generally as messily as possible. The troll smashes the tomb Gimli is standing on top of, but misses Gimli, then kills several of the Orcs in its attempt to get the Dwarf. The troll uses its chain like a whip, trying to hit Legolas, who dodges. The chain becomes momentarily caught around a pillar, and Legolas runs up it to stand on top of the troll and gets a shot at its head, but jumps off when the troll grabs for his ankles. Sam hits several Orcs over the head with his frying pan.

Sam: I think I'm getting the hang of this! 

The troll catches sight of the three Hobbits. They all dodge, but Frodo goes one way and Merry and Pippin the other. The troll follows Frodo, who manages to stay on the opposite side of the pillar from it for a while, but then he is surprised, falls down, and the troll grabs his foot. 

Frodo: Aragorn! Aragorn! (A/N: ...he's our man..! heehee!)

Frodo cuts the troll's hand with Sting, and it lets go. Troll reaches for Frodo again, but Aragorn runs over and stabs it with a spear, prompting the troll to smash him into the wall. Frodo shakes Aragorn, but he doesn't get up. The troll stabs at Aragorn, but renews its interest in Frodo when he moves. Frodo dodges the spear, then runs into it and gets thrown against the wall. Before he can move, the troll stabs him with the spear. Frodo falls, after much gasping, gurgling, and odd contortions of the face, with the spear in his side. Merry and Pippin jump on the troll's back and stab it wildly. Troll grabs Merry and throws him off, Pippin stabs it again, when it rears up, Legolas kills the troll with an arrow through the brain. Pippin has a hard landing, still being on top of the troll when it falls. 

Aragorn: Oh, _no_. 

Thinking he's dead, Aragorn rolls Frodo over, only to have Frodo sit up. Aragorn nearly has a heart attack.

Sam: He's alive! 

Frodo: I'm all right, I'm not hurt. *glaring at Sam* And I'm _definitely _not Frankenstein's monster!

The rest of the cast: Franken-wha???

Frodo: He said...the whole Igor, 'it's alive!' thing...don't you remember... *getting blank looks* Oh, you are all _hopeless_! *pouting*

Aragorn: *concentrating on one thing at a time* But-but-you should be dead! That spear would have skewered a wild boar! 

Gandalf: I think there is more to this Hobbit than meets the eye. 

Frodo, still pouting, pulls open his shirt to reveal a Mithril vest which looks oddly like a woman's slip, lace and all. (A/N If you look-sick, we know-it even looks a little filled-out in the front!) 

Gimli: Mithril! You are full of surprises, Master Baggins!

Frodo: *_still_ sulking* Yeah, whatever.

More Orcs approach.

Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!

They run through a cavern, but become surrounded by Orcs. There is a roar in the distance. The Orcs all run away.

Orcs: Oooh, we're so scared! We're running away!

Boromir: What is this new devilry?

Gandalf: A Balrog.

Frodo: *terrified* Bulldog?! Where!!!?

Gandalf: *miffed* A BALROG. A demon of the ancient world. 

The camera lingers on Legolas' face when Gandalf mentions 'the ancient world'. 

Legolas: *looking put out* What?! Are you implying something about my age?!

Gandalf: (Pretending he hasn't heard so he doesn't have to answer) This foe is beyond any of you. Run!

They run. Boromir abruptly comes to the edge of the path, drops his torch and teeters on the edge of a very long drop. Legolas pulls him back from the edge. 

Gandalf: Lead them on, Aragorn! The bridge is near. Do as I say! Swords are no more use here! 

They come to a gap in the apparently endless staircase, which Legolas jumps across easily (dolphin: Across staircase or gap?). Gandalf follows after a moment's hesitation. Boromir grabs Merry and Pippin, jumps across as the edge crumbles. Aragorn throws Sam across, but Gimli holds up a hand. 

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf! 

Gimli jumps, but doesn't quite make it, and Legolas grabs his beard to keep him from falling. 

Gimli: Not the beard! 

More stone breaks away from the edge of the staircase, Frodo and Aragorn scramble back. The gap is now too far to jump. Part of roof breaks off, breaks the section Frodo and Aragorn are on loose from the rest of the stair. It starts to tilt. Trying to keep his balance, Aragorn finds he can influence the direction the stair falls. 

Aragorn: Lean forward! 

They do, and the section falls forward into the rest of the stair, allowing Frodo and Aragorn to rejoin the party. They keep running as the enormous section of stair falls into the abyss. They manage to get down the stairs to level ground without more trouble. As they run toward the bridge, the Balrog emerges from the chasm behind them. Gandalf makes sure everyone is across the bridge before he makes his stand. In the center of the bridge, he turns to face the demon, staff and sword in hand. 

Gandalf: *infinitely proud of himself* You cannot pass.

Frodo: Gandalf! Stop fooling around and get over here!

A wave of flame spreads across the Balrog. 

Gandalf: *grinning like an idiot five-year-old* No, you can't go through! Not until you say the password!

Boromir: Demented old coot...

The Balrog draws a flaming sword and swings at Gandalf, but he blocks it. 

Gandalf: *pouting that his game is not being played properly* I SAID, you shall not pass until you say the password! 

Gandalf throws a temper tantrum, slams his staff on the ground, and a flash of white light drives the Balrog back. The demon draws a whip of fire, steps onto the bridge, and the bridge gives way, dropping the Balrog into the chasm. It seems like Gandalf's won, but as he turns away, the tail of the whip catches his ankle and pulls him down. He gets a brief grasp on the edge of the bridge. 

Gandalf: Go away and stop gaping at me, you fools!

And Gandalf follows his enemy into the abyss. 

Frodo: Noooooooooo! 

Frodo tries to return to the bridge, but Boromir holds him back. 

Boromir: Aragorn! 

Boromir carries Frodo away. Aragorn pauses, looking back until Orc arrows drive him away. The diminished group escapes into the sunlight before most collapse with grief, snotting all over. Legolas stands around looking vaguely like someone who just got hit head-on by a logging truck, while a cloud of fairy-dust erupts around Aragorn, making him their leader.

Aragorn: Okay, I'm the leader now! Let's go!  Legolas, get them up! 

Boromir: Give them a moment, for pity's sake! 

Aragorn: By nightfall these hills will be swarming with Orcs!

Boromir: *gapes* Oh. I hadn't really thought of that...

Aragorn: We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Come, Boromir, Legolas. Gimli, get them up! On your feet, Sam. Frodo? Frodo!

Frodo has drawn away from the rest. Tears spill silently down his face. Then suddenly-

Frodo: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *throws himself down onto the rocks and starts kicking and wailing*

Aragorn: *shocked* Frodo?

Frodo: *looks up and abruptly begins screaming with laughter, still kicking* AHAHAHAHAHA!! Your FACE!! Oh, you should have seen your FACE!!

Aragorn: *turns to Leggy* Um, is he hysterical?

Legolas: Yeah, I think he's lost it...

Frodo: OH...Oh, I can't breathe...I feel sick...

================

You have DISTURBED the DIRT!!! comes from Disney's animated film _Atlantis_ for those who have not had the misfortune to be held captive by squeaking Disney-obsessed children. I think that that is the only thing that needs explaining this time-if I have overlooked anything, email me and I'll fix it. 


	14. In Lothlorien

**WARNING!! Fleeting mention of slash in the final paragraphs of this chapter-entirely skippable, not necessary to the 'plot', but enough that I felt a warning was in order. Sorry to those who only read het or gen-I don't think I could write an entirely gen fic if my life depended on it!  -_- ;**

In Lothlorien

Aragorn crosses a stream.

Aragorn: Ah! Ah! *prances around trying not to touch the water* It's coldit'scoldit's_cold_it'sCOLD!! *prances one too many times, trips and falls flat on his face in the water* AHH! *splutter* AHH! *splutter* I'm *splutter* DROWNING! Save me!!

After some deliberation, the others decide not to save him after all, so he gets himself up and sees Lothlorien, a wood of silver trees, in the distance. He gets a weird, maniacal grin on his face and they all start running towards it. After some travel, they finally enter the wood.

Gimli: Stay close, young hobbits. They say a great sorceress lives in these woods: an elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again. 

Galadriel, inside of Frodo's head: Frooodoooo. Your coming is as the footsteps of doooom. You bring great evil here, Ringbearer.

Frodo: Huh? Am I hearing things?

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Gimli: Well, this is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily! I have the eyes of a hawk, and the ears of a fox!

Suddenly, they are all surrounded by Elves with drawn bows. Haldir steps forward, looking as ugly as only Haldir and Elrond truly can. 

Haldir: The Dwarf breathes so loudly we could have shot him in the dark. 

Gimil growls, insulted, while the hobbits, catching a good look at Haldir's ugliness, do thus-

Hobbits: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!

All four quickly run and hide behind Aragorn.

Haldir: Hey, what's up with them?

Aragorn: Um.

He looks sidewise at Haldir to see if he looks less like an Orc from that angle, decides not, and straightens.

Aragorn: Did you dye your eyebrows dark, or your hair blond?

Haldir: What!? *goes cross-eyed looking at self* DAMN IT ALL!! Lady Galadriel's been playing at Undercover Beauty Salon again!

Aragorn: Wha-? Oh, never mind. What're my lines again? Oh, yeah. **Haldir of Lorien. We have come for help. We need your protection. **

Gimli: Aragorn, these woods are perilous! We should go back!

Haldir: *still looking miffed* Nope, you have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood.*under his breath* Otherwise known as Lady Looselips, Drugger of Celeborns, Owner of the Ugly Underwear, and Toad-face.

Galadriel: I HEARD THAT!! *pauses* Hey, wait a minute! How do you know my underwear are ugly?

Aragorn: *ears turn red* Can we, like-move on now?

Haldir: Oh, sure! But you cannot go back. Come. She is waiting. 

They enter Caras Galadhon, a great elf city in the trees, and are brought before Celeborn and Galadriel.

Celeborn: *drawling with an extremely dull look on his face* Eight there are here, but nine there were set out from Rivendeeell. Wheeere is Gandalf, for I MUCH desire to speak with hiiiim. 

Galadriel: He is fallen into shadow. The quest stands on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it _will _fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now, and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight...you shall sleep in peace. *realizes what she said and repeals it quickly* You'd better not sleep in 'peace'! Ruin my nice sheets and DIE! 

Galadriel, in Frodo's head: *in a creepy voice with creepy eyes* Welcome, Frodo of the Shire. One who has seen the EYE! *goes bug-eyed*

Elves sing in the background while the Fellowship camps at the trees' feet, more comfortable on the ground than in the flets. 

Legolas: A lament for Gandalf. 

Frodo: What do they say about him? 

Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. Because they're saying things that will make this movie's rating shoot through the ceiling, and I'd rather not repeat them, if you don't mind...Also, for me the grief is still too near.

Aragorn gets up and wanders off to find Boromir, who is sitting on the roots of some tree and fondling his shield.

Aragorn: Wanna boink, Boromir? These borders are well protected.

Boromir: *sadly* Not here. I heard her voice...inside my head.

Aragorn: *crestfallen* Oh. D'you think she'd be able to hear us?

Boromir: *even more sadly* Most likely. Anyway, she spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me, 'Even now, there is hope left'-but I cannot see it. It is long since we had any-*stops and looks curiously at Aragorn's neck* Hey! Is that a _girl's _necklace you've got on?

Aragorn: *ears go red yet again* Um, nope! I mean, what necklace? *quickly tucks shirtcollar closed*

Boromir: The one you're-hey, it's not there anymore! Oh, well. *shrugs and starts sentence again* It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and the people lose faith. My father looks to me to set it right, and I would do it-I would see the glory of Gondor restored. Have you seen it, Aragorn? *waxes poetic* The White Tower of Ecthelion glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver, its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets?

Aragorn: *hedges* I have seen the White City, long ago.

Boromir: *too caught up to notice that Aragorn's eyes are dangerously close to rolling out of his head* One day, our paths will lead us there, and the Tower Guard will take up the call, 'The lords of Gondor have returned!'

Aragorn makes no promises.

=========================================================

Note: Have you ever noticed that none of these people ever go to the bathroom? Just thought I'd mention that!

A/N Just so you know, Undercover Beauty Salon is when you mix Beauty Salon and Covert Ops, and is played by taking the gaudiest shades of makeup you can find and smearing them all over friends and/or family members in such a way that they do not notice you doing it, and thus run around that way until someone has the bad manners to actually tell them what they look like and ruin your nice game. *cackles evilly*


End file.
